1. The Native Americans only showed up because the pilgrims were firing their guns in the air.
They showed up with around 90 warriors and surrounded them to make sure they weren’t planning an attack. Food was shared as our way of saying, "We aren't planning to ambush you for another six months."
2. There was no turkey, mashed potatoes or pumpkin pie.
They ate deer, passenger pigeons and plain cranberries. In other words, it was still better than whatever KFC is selling you.
3. There were also no women.
So all of those pictures are a lie. We can assume this was the one and only Thanksgiving without arguments. We can also assume that this was the only Thanksgiving that men cleaned up after.
4. We had less than one year of peace with the Native Americans afterwards.
Yet we celebrate the holiday 395 years later. It’s basically the equivalent of celebrating you and your ex’s anniversary 20 years later.
5. There were no buckle hats.
I repeat, no buckle hats. The only thing that helps us recognize pilgrims wasn’t even a thing.
6. Pilgrims didn’t even wear black.
Black material was too expensive at the time so they wore different shades of brown. Everything we learned about the pilgrim fashion industry was wrong.
7. They didn’t have forks.
They only used knives and spoons. They were toughing it out like a college student trying to delay doing the dishes.
8. The puritans ruined everything.
Yes, those puritans that you never thought you’d hear about after your high school history class. They took the Native Americans' land because it wasn’t fenced off and killed anyone on it.
No surprise that this is the same group of people responsible for killing women suspected of being witches.
9. Abraham Lincoln declared it a holiday after someone wrote him a letter about it.
A woman named Sara Hale had proposed the idea to four other presidents in letters, however, Lincoln was the only one to agree with it. She also wrote "Mary Had A Little Lamb," if that matters. It was declared a national holiday 152 years ago.
If anyone is keeping score, that means we went 243 years without needing to celebrate this holiday.
10. Thanksgiving is basically the celebration of guys stuffing their faces for three days.
Which is officially the most American thing I’ve ever heard. The only way to make it more American would be to add a Hunger-Games style fight the day after for a TV at Walmart.
