The joy of syllabus week and the stress-free days of college classes have disappeared as the overwhelming stress of exam week becomes more and more realistic. That impossible exam where you said, "oh, I have two weeks to study for," is now tomorrow, and you quickly realize that you still haven't even ordered the textbook. Know you're not alone because students everywhere are in the same state of panic and will all unfortunately face these 11 situations during hell week:
1. You drink so much coffee that the amount of caffeine you are consuming should be made illegal.
"Hi, I'd like to order four venti black coffees with two extra shots of espresso in each one. The names for each of those? Jamie. Yes, on all four. Don't judge me. It's been a long week, and it's going to be an even longer night."
2. You have the sudden, uncontrollable urge to eat everything in sight.
"We need to go to Chick-fil-A, and stat. I don't care if I already ordered a pizza and favored Torchy's Tacos today. I physically cannot study for my government exam without a #1 combo meal with sweet tea."
3. You realize you never took good notes...or notes at all.
"What did the professor just say? He talks way too fast and his thick accent makes him nearly impossible to understand. Did he really just change the PowerPoint slide already? I didn't even finish writing down the first bullet point. I'm just going to go on Pinterest and perfect my dream wedding board since I'll never be able to write good notes anyway. I'll figure out what we're talking about later."
4. You try to become best friends with everyone in your class, especially the one girl you trash-talked last week for flirting with your friend's boyfriend, but has some killer notes and Quizlets that you want your hands on.
Indirect approach: "Hi, Debby! I was wondering if you'd like to meet up sometime this weekend to study for our psychology benchmark on Wednesday. We could maybe bring our notes and quiz each other for a bit over some coffee. My treat!"
Direct approach: "Hey, Debby. So I missed a lot of classes lately because I've been really, really sick, my goldfish died, my phone broke, and my 20 alarms that I set never went off, and on top of all that, my cousin's friend's co-worker has been in and out of the hospital lately. If you could send me all the notes you've taken this semester, you would be the best ever."
5. You over-optimistically try to defy the impossible by reading 250 pages in one night of the horrid, never-been-opened textbook that cost you $200.
"I could've bought 200 pizza rolls at Double Dave's with that money, but no, they forced me to spend it on this dumb genetics textbook that I'm never going to open. Wait, there's a midterm tomorrow? I guess I should start on the four units of reading we were already supposed to have read and memorized for the test tomorrow. [Reads first page.] Oh my gosh! This picture of Kanye West's head on North West's body that's on my Twitter feed right now is the funniest thing I've ever seen! Look, it's trending!"
6. You suddenly have all your mandatory meetings rescheduled to the night before the exam.
"I think I'm going to have to drop out of every club and outside organization that I've joined since they are expecting me to be in the same place at the exact same time. Does it look like I can study for two exams, do an online quiz, and write an essay while attending four club meetings all in the same afternoon? Are you trying to ruin my life?"
7. You feel "FOMO" (fear of missing out) when all of your friends are out having fun, while you're stuck at home cramming.
"Cool, friends. I totally don't care that you all went out together and are posting a million Snapchats to your story to show off how much fun you're having without me. I'm on a really hot date...with my chemistry textbook. We've been spending a lot of quality time together lately, and I think we're getting pretty serious. Don't bother inviting me to go downtown with you all on Thursday night. I've got another date night planned with my boo before we go on our big weekend getaway to the library."
8. You get a call from your mom wanting to have a 30-minute conversation with you about school, but you get stressed just talking about it and will probably break down and cry.
"Hi, mom. I think I want to drop out of college. No one likes me, and my professors and classmates are the worst. No, it's not that I'm just stressed out because of all my tests, lack of sleep for three weeks, and diet composed of mainly sugar. It's just way too hard, and I want to come home. Will you please write my essay for me? You're just so good with sentence structure!"
9. You set 10 alarms because you swear you're going to get up early in the morning to study, but you still find yourself (as always) running into class five minutes late and completely out of breath.
"Wait, what do you mean it's already noon? I have a test at 12:30, and I still have to get ready and walk all the way across campus. Oh shoot! I was supposed to get up and study those flashcards that I made last night to procrastinate, and feel like I was being productive at the same time. Too bad I don't remember a single thing I actually wrote down on them."
10. You swear you'll do better by paying attention and starting to study earlier next time, but even you know that's a lie.
After first hell week: "You know, I'm totally going to start studying way in advance for the next test. I'm going to go to class every day and get there early so I can sit in the front row and take great notes. I'll go to every one of the professor's office hours, and create hundreds of notecards."
Second hell week: "Oh gosh! That test is tomorrow?!" Cue #1-10 again.
