I once heard somebody say dating without the intention of marriage is like going to the grocery store without any money. You either leave empty and unsatisfied, or you’ve taken something that’s not yours. By no means am I saying that the first person you date should be the person you marry. For goodness sake, the first person you date could be some nut job who tries to cut a boot off of their car with a chainsaw and run away from the cops. (Probably not the person you should marry, and probably not the person you thought they were going into the relationship). What I do insist upon is cautious dating, intentional dating and most importantly, God-honoring dating. Allow me to share with you my perspective.
1. Don't date "just to date."
The Bible tells us in Proverbs 4 verse 23 to, “Above all else, guard [our] hearts, for everything you do flows from it." Dating just to date is probably one of the most dangerous things you can do with your heart. When you get into a relationship, you allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person. This in and of itself is not a bad thing. However, vulnerability leads to intimacy, which, in its proper context, isn’t a bad thing either. However, intimacy that causes temptation for inappropriate intimacy is an issue. Matthew 5:28 says, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Dating “just to date” without intentions leads to all kinds of problems, like, when one partner wants one thing, while the other partner is looking for something completely different. Or, one person becomes extremely emotionally attached, or jealous, or clingy, or things just simply aren’t working, and breaking up is too hard. Dating without intention causes a myriad of problems. Don’t do it.
2. Do date for marriage.
Proverbs 19:2 tells us that, “Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.” A relationship can go one of two ways. You either break up or you get married. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to see it as silly to get into a relationship just to break up. Be slow. Be prayerful. Read your Bible. If you’re going to get into a relationship with somebody, don’t rush into it. With the right intentions, what’s the rush? Dating for marriage allows you to focus on glorifying God through your relationship, gain knowledge about the person whom you intend to marry and forces you to be much more cautious with your heart. Let your love flow from a heart for God, not from a heart for worldly desires. When you’re in the dating stage, you grow together, you learn together, you walk together.
3. Don't date to figure out what you like in a person.
You know that classic song “You Better Shop Around”? In my humble opinion, the song couldn’t be more wrong. It’s a common opinion that dating lots of people prepares you for marriage by helping you to find what you like. I really think it prepares you more for divorce. (Wise words of Leslie Ludy). This is because you flippantly get into a relationship, one thing goes wrong, you break up and you’re on to the next person. The cycle continues, and before you know it, all you know how to do is break up. All you know is dissatisfaction. You know what a broken heart feels like. Does that really sound pleasant to you? It sure doesn’t interest me.
4. Do date for marriage.
Commitment is hard. It’s a challenge in every sense. I always heard my mom talk about dating as “going steady” with somebody, rather than “going out”. I like that. A lot. Going steady implies moving forward together. There will be days when committing to your person doesn’t feel good, and it’s hard, and it’s tiring, but it’s much more fulfilling than simply going on dates and flirting here and there. A commitment is a wonderful thing. “You Better Shop Around” warns the audience to not give up our freedom. Commitment shouldn’t take your freedom away, it should encourage you to freely honor and serve God alongside and independently of your partner. I will warn you though, commitment and covenant are not the same thing. While you are dating, you’re not in covenant. You are not yet united as one flesh. You are your own person with your own life. This you must keep in the forefront of your mind. It’s easy to get wrapped up, especially when you’re working towards marriage.
5. Don't date because you’re lonely.
“I adjure you…that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 2:7). My dear friends, this is a tough one. Feeling lonely is horrific. I know. I’ve been there, too. I’ve tried to fill my “lonely hole” with music, with hobbies, with work, with school, with sis of all types. But most of all I tried to fill it with boys. Attention feels good. It’s so nice to be held. To feel loved and cherished and cared for, it’s wonderful. But it’s only wonderful if it’s real. We were made to relate to one another. We were created to interact with one another for God’s glory. He calls us to have fellowship with one another and praise Him with thanksgiving and He calls us to love one another. We, as humans, want to be loved. We just do. Loneliness hurts. But I can assure you that filling this lonely hole with anything but God is unfulfilling, detrimental to your faith, your heart and your health, exhausting and completely pointless. Fill your lonely hole with time with God. Read your Bible, go have fellowship with other Christians, tell other people about Jesus and pray. Rest in the arms that formed you in your mother’s womb. Trust me, you’ll never be lonely there.
6. Do date for marriage.
I won’t quote this one, but I encourage you all to read Ephesians Five. Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ in the church. The wife honors the husband and the husband loves the wife and all that jazz. This is such a beautiful image. Keeping the picture of the relationship between Christ and the church leads to a healthy, focused relationship which in turn, is likely to lead to a successful marriage. It saddens me so often to see God’s ordained order for marriage be defiled in so many ways. Allowing the focus of your relationship to have the consistent goal of God’s glory, reflecting Christ, if nothing else, even in the event that your relationship does not turn out the way you would have chosen, will have taught and grown you through the situation. Do not forget that regardless of your thoughts or feelings, God’s will always will prevail.
7. Don't date because you want a relationship.
Every day I hear it. “Ugh I want a boyfriend”, “Ugh why don’t girls like me?”, “I just want to cuddle with somebody”, “When will it be my turn to go on a date with somebody? Anybody!” I’ve done this. It goes right back to the lonely hole. But let’s narrow it down a bit. When you see your friends all over social media posting about the joy and fun of their relationship, it makes it really easy to covet what they’ve got. I can assure you though, that they’re not posting about the trials, the frustrations, the hard work, the occasional argument or anything like that. They’re posting the happy moments. Now, all of these unseen things are most certainly worth it, but they aren’t the things that make us, as people, desire a romantic relationship. Dating just because you want all of the warm fuzzy stuff is bound to leave you disappointed. As great as all that excitement is, it is not the meat of the relationship. Search deeper, my friends. Search deeper.
8. Do date for marriage.
Marriage is sacred. It’s special. Dating with the right intentions is sanctifying in itself. Walking in purity and honor in your romantic relationship will teach you patience, strength and dignity. He whose eyes are upon the Lord will bear the fruit of the spirit. Date with purpose. Be excited for the things to come. Let the sanctity of marriage fuel your relationship and your love for God.
9. Don't date to please others.
Society does a great job at brainwashing us to believe that if we don’t have a relationship, we’re not good enough in some form or fashion. It’s so easy to think that you’re not in a relationship because you don’t look like a supermodel, or because you don’t have the charisma or even that you’re not outgoing enough. Point one: without Christ, we are wretched to the core. It’s only by His grace that we would be worthy. “It is no longer I but Christ who lives in me.” (Galatians 2:20). "For it is by grace you have been saved, and this not of yourselves, it is a gift of God. Not by works so that no man shall boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9). Any good in us comes from Him. Because of Christ, we are free from the bondage of sin and free to serve God. Christ is more than enough. Do not let society tell you that you are not worthy of love. Christ willingly died on a cross, because of His love for you. "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” (Second Corinthians 5:21). In Christ, you are worth so much. Don’t date just because it makes you look and feel worthy. Don’t date because it impresses the people around you. Don’t date because your parents keep asking you why you haven’t met anybody yet. Stop comparing yourself to others. You do not have to meet the standards of man. If you’re going to date, date for His glory, not for man’s. “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men."
10. Do date for marriage.
If you’re going to date, do it for God’s glory, not for your own pleasure. While feelings are certainly a factor of romance, it shouldn’t be the point. Love is a choice. “Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:18). The point and the center of your relationship should be to honor God and praise His holy name. The very reason you should be in a relationship is to grow in Christ alongside a partner. God is not about the temporary. He’s all about the eternal. Set your mind on the things above.
At the end of the day, dating is not a bad thing. Breaking up sometimes is necessary, and life happens. We’re human. But oh, my friends, if you learn nothing else here, I urge you to be cautious with your heart, wise in discernment and always intentional and focused in your choices and actions. How rich life would be if we lived for His honor?
Until next time,
Campbell Christine
