Before we dive deep into one of my biggest fears, I feel like I should start this article off with a full disclosure: I am the mom friend.
That’s right. I am that annoying friend that actually does yoga and reads self-help books unironically. My talents include cooking, making decorative pillows, and calming children when seemingly no one else can. I am a raging clean freak and my perfect morning includes reading a book and drinking coffee on my porch. Although I will order flat breads and corral my friends together, I am sorry to say that I’ve never printed the Groupon for any group outing like Iliza Shlesinger's mom character "Amanda" in her Netflix comedy special “Freezing Hot.”
All of that aside though, there is part of my mom-façade (or maçade) that never fit quite so perfectly into the cookie cutter mold as the rest of me seemed to lend itself to, and that is a deep-rooted fear of marriage. The truth is that when my past boyfriends brought up The Future, it always put my adrenaline production into high gear that would slowly erode my typically balmy stability. I could give a lot more than 10 reasons why this is, but here are the big ones:
1. They say, “When you know, you KNOW,” and I am never sure.
What does knowing even mean? My dad and my brother are prime examples of men who “just knew” almost immediately after meeting their future spouses, and if the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, then I guess I’m next. Most mornings, however, I’m not even sure what I want to eat for breakfast, so I just pick the food that appeals to me the most at the time. Does that make it a bad decision if I wasn’t sure? No, but that also doesn’t mean I want peanut butter and bananas on toast every morning for the rest of my life either.
2. This is not an easily reversible decision.
Unlike most retail stores, there really isn’t a window for full refunds for marriage. No one is going to send you a prepaid return postage sticker. The reality is that some people really are different once they get married, and if that happens, the only options are to try to make it work or go through the expensive and gut-wrenching process of divorce. By the end of it, your pride will probably look like a t-shirt you made into a rag some time ago that’s been sitting in your sink growing mold.
3. You are not just saying yes to one person, but saying no to everyone else.
You can never truly know if this is the most compatible person for you. While freedom of choice has given us the ability to make sure we love our partners, it also has given us all of the responsibility of picking someone logically on our own which is nearly impossible when there are so many emotions involved. The same is true for the other person too. You know what’s the spookiest ghost story I’ve heard? The one where someone gets married and then meets their soulmate after-the-fact.
4. Marriage is not easy.
There is no true “happily ever after.” One of the biggest revelations I’ve had growing up was that you will continue to be the same person making decisions for the rest of your life. While it’s a nice thought, at no point can you truly just go on autopilot straight to retirement. You and this person you tethered yourself to will have fights and issues that seem insurmountable.
5. Love isn't enough.
As much as I wish love was the easy answer to a long-lasting, happy marriage, from what I’ve seen over the years, it is only part of the equation. You need common ground in morals, future goals, and the ability to work together as a team, all of which can be difficult to find in a single person.
6. I am not the only person responsible for marital success.
It’s that old joke – if I could marry myself, I would. Not a person identical to myself in almost every way, but myself. At the end of the day, you two are a “team” but also two different people who have to put in the individual effort to make a marriage last. As much as I hate to say it, I could put in my 110 percent and if my partner isn’t putting in any, it won’t work no matter how much I may want it to.
7. No matter what anyone says, it's a sacrifice.
Can we please stop pretending that weddings are like a skip through a daisy field at sunset? No matter how many beautiful Pinterest boards I’ve seen, I can’t help but think, “Wow, this is the most beautiful way to doll up giving up executive control of your life.”
8. Compromise is necessary, but also a massive pain.
This goes hand-in-hand with the sacrifice bit. People like to act like it’s all compromise and mutual decisions, but some of that really is a sacrifice and I wish people owned up to it. What do you do when you both feel strongly about a specific topic? One of you is going to have to “compromise” to make the relationship work. There will always be that need for compromise, and they say that it’s all worth it for the right person, but I guess I’ll have to “just know” that it will be worth it.
9. From here on out "you" is no longer singular. "You" really means "you two."
The minute you say, “I do,” what you’re really agreeing to do is frame everything from that moment on as “WE do.” We will give up the beautiful city apartment. We will stay up for hours on end to raise a child. We will start saving for our kid’s college career. Sometimes you just want to make a decision without worrying about another person, and that can get difficult once you’re married.
10. With divorce rates hovering at 50 percent, the odds aren't necessarily in your favor.
If you went through this list and freaked out a little bit too, then I am truly sorry. The world is full of enough horror stories of seemingly perfect couples who end up splitting for “irreconcilable differences,” the biggest of which of course, is the divorce rate. I personally don’t believe that you should run into marriage expecting to be the special couple that beat the odds.
This is a glass half-full however, and the odds are just as good that you will make it as they are that you won’t. I think that’s what the silver lining ultimately is and why I haven’t completely given up on the idea altogether. I think a little fear when facing a major decision like this can actually make you a little clearer minded when making debatably the biggest decision of your life.
