I've been a server for two, almost three years now, and the longer I've been waitress I've found that simple questions seem to piss me off.
1. Can I get a lemon with my water?
No. No you cannot Carol. And you know why? Because I bet you don't put a lemon in your tap water at home. So why do you need a lemon here?! I swear if you ask for more than one lemon, you know what I do, I cut a normal size lemon in half. There. There are your two lemons.
2. Can I get a straw for my water?
Really. It's too hard for you to drink out of a small water cup without a straw. Do you know how much straws cost?
3. It's cold in here. Can you turn the A/C off?
NO! NO! NO! If I turn the A/C off we are going to start getting lost souls flying around here because it will be as hot as the pits of hell. And another thing, we can't turn the A/C off because our job requires us to wear clothes and I guarantee we would start shedding them if there was no A/C in the restaurant.
4. Can I borrow your pen for a minute?
Nice try, I know this trick. You borrow it for a minute, I turn my back and then you steal it. Jokes on you because I buy the crappy pens from the Dollar Store. You pen thief.
5. Can you pick up an extra shift/stay late?
No, I already have plans to sit in my pj's while watching reality TV and drinking because this job makes me sad.
6. What kind of soup do you have today?
Chicken noodle and tomato basil. Every day. It says this in the menu you are holding in your hands and have been staring at for five minutes.
7. Make sure you give me the check, OK?
No, not okay and this is why—I don't want to be caught in the crossfire of your check battle. It happens every time I give it to the person who discreetly whispers, "Give me the check." Another customer reaches across the table and grabs it out of my hand or screams at me, "NO! Give me the check." I could care less who pays, but one of you better tip me.
8. Can I get a chocolate shake?
NO! This is one of the worst beverages that a customer can order. Making shakes is a total time-suck and throws off our serving groove. We normally can get beverages out in two minutes, now we have to wait around till the shake is done, or come back later for the shake—which we usually forget about.
9. Can you ask the cooks to clean the grill? I'm allergic.
Even if I tell them to do this, there is no way our restaurant can guarantee that the thing you are allergic to is 100 percent gone from the grills. If you are that allergic to something that the cooks have to stop what they are doing just to clean everything they use, you probably shouldn't eat out. Also, you have now given the cooks reason to hate me the entire rest of the day. So thank you, I was hoping to piss of the people who make the food I bring out to my customers.
10. Can I talk to your manager?
No matter how many lemons and straws I bring for your water, or how many times I ask you, "How is everything?" You will still end up complaining to my manager to get your meal paid for.
I never thought that working in the service industry would cause me to lose my patience with such simple questions, but after you hear them more than once every single day for years, it kind of wears on you.
