10 More Things I'm Not Here For
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10 More Things I'm Not Here For

It's about that time again.

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10 More Things I'm Not Here For
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It's about that time again. If you've read my articles in the past, you know that there are plenty of things I'm just not here for and I thought: It's the Holidays! Why not share the gift of "Oh hell nah" once more, just in time for it to make your insides all warm and tingly before you spend way too much on people you don't really even like?

So, let's get it: here are 10 more things I'm just not here for.

1. Sick People With Personal Space Issues.

Okay, so I know at first glance this one has me looking like a low-key Scrooge but I can't care about that right now. Don't hug me, high-five me, laugh in my face and then proceed to tell me that you have Ebola. Everyone knows that if you're sick (especially at school, especially during finals week) you're voted off the friendship/personal space island until you can prove that you're no longer contagious and even then...I ain't touching you for a good week after that, fam.

2. Bad Kids (Again).

If you've ever asked me about my future plans, you know by now that I don't want to have kids. I like babies, don't get me wrong. I love quiet, sleeping, babies with moms that I can hand them to when they get fussy--those are my favorite kind of babies. But I'm extremely not here for those loud, disrespectful kids you see in grocery stores (usually on leashes) who think it's cute to scream and hit their parents. I wish my child would even think about acting like that: I'd snatch that thought so fast out they mind they'd be dizzy until their 30th birthday. Try me future child...try me.

3. Certain Vegans.

I can hear the angry, organic mob coming my way now but peep that first italicized word and hear me out. I don't have anything against veganism. I tried it for 21 days and it was kinda lit (but fried chicken exists so I couldn't commit, I'm sorry...) but I've been (ironically) chewed out by vegans one too many times to enjoy all of y'all. I think my tipping point was when a girl who happened to be vegan tried to check me because I was against police brutality but could still "enjoy a brutal, meaty, dinner every night." Y'all: She tried to parallel police brutality to eating beef and I just could not. I had to show her two doors: the literal one up out my dorm and the metaphorical one up out my life.

4. Early Morning Small Talk.

I currently work every morning shift Monday through Friday so I'm sure you can imagine how chipper and perky I've been this past semester; a regular Girl Scout. And just like every new experience, I've learned something about myself: chatting about the weather before 9am that makes me want to kill people (I'm just playing...kind of). I'm just hella not here for that. I shouldn't even have an opinion on the weather today yet because I shouldn't have had to experience the weather today yet because...I should be sleeping. Unless you want to accompany this amateur weather report with a free coffee and bagel...keep it moving.

5. Shaving My Legs

This is a seasonal "not here for it" option. Look: it's cold outside, I live in Minneapolis, I need all the warmth I can get. And when is the last time you tried shaving in a dorm shower? It ain't June and it ain't The Plaza** that's all I gotta say. Don't try me: if you don' t like my hairy legs: shave them for me. No? Yeah, that's what I thought.

6. Group Projects as Final Projects.

You mean to tell me that for the entire semester my professors left me alone, high and dry, to fend for myself and now, all of a sudden, they want me to leave the fate of my GPA in the hands of four other strangers? Ya'll funny.

7. Holiday House Hoppers.

Although that alliteration made me laugh...NOTHING ABOUT Y'ALL IS FUNNY. I don't know how much headass it takes to--without shame--hop from house to house with Tupperware to collect food from all of your kinda-friends/kinda-family but it's entirely too much. I'm always up for opening my food/home to those who don't have anyone to spend time with for the holidays but some of y'all just abuse that. You're the first ones in and the first ones out and by the time we gather to pray for the food, we're all wondering where half the baked mac and cheese went. Ya just wrong.

8. HATERS.

There are many people I don't like (lol) and it's usually for a good reason. But have you all ever met someone who hates just to hate? (I'm realizing how ironic this is as I type up an entire article about things I hate...but stay with me!) I've met people who say "Ooo, I can't stand her!" And then when I ask why don't have an answer. You're just mad, get some sleep, eat a cookie and move on. You'll be fine.

9. People Who Interrupt Others.

I think one of my biggest pet peeves is being talked over and being interrupted. I'm not here for that at all. I don't understand those of you who think the best place for the beginning of your sentence is in the middle of mine. Where they do that at?

10. Finals Week.

I can't stress enough how not here I am for final exams. Professors must really get a kick out of cramming a semester's worth of knowledge into one packet, telling us to finish it in an hour and making it worth 99.998% of our grade. Then they hit us with that, "try not to stress...have a great break!" HOW.

I hope you enjoyed my moments of bitterness this holiday season. I don't mind being a Grinch sometimes (I mean, he got to carve the roast beast so... #whipnaenae).


**It's a Bride Wars reference. But I'm sure you already knew that ;)

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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