Throughout the history of mankind (or bro-kind) there have been paragons of manliness, exceptional males that men want to be and women want to be with. From Hercules to Rambo, these beefcakes have consistently delivered testosterone-filled envy with their tales of epic conquest. They have dominated literature and the cinema but today we discuss these roided out bros of the virtual kind, the ones you can literally be. As such, characters like James Bond and Batman are disqualified—for while they have indeed been inspiring manly men in video games they are not originally game characters. Tongue in cheek aside these are also characters that are endearing in some way so simple musculature and machismo do not in and of themselves grant entry onto this list. So without further ado, here are the bro-iest bros and manliest men in video games!
1. B.J. Blazkowicz, "Wolfenstein"
The granddaddy of all first-person shooter heroes, there is no finer example of the desired manliness of the World War II soldier. I mean just look at him, curb-stomping Nazis while bare-chested and firing red hot lead at every kraut that endangers the free world. From his relatively humble beginnings in "Wolfenstein 3D," he had only gotten manlier as the series has gone on. The latest entry in the series even had him in a vegetative state for 15 years and when he regains consciousness he immediately proceeds to slaughter an entire battalion of the Third Reich and become lovers with his nurse, someone who literally did everything for him for 15 years from feeding him to helping him go to the bathroom. He can win a girls heart after all of that and still kick Nazi butt after 15 years of atrophy? If that isn't manliness I don't know what is.
2. Doom Guy, "Doom"
Okay, Doom Guy hardly qualifies as a character since he has no real personality, backstory, dialogue or even a name. But still, it's got to count for something that when the UAC research outpost on Mars literally goes to hell he is the only one to survive and doesn't even get phased by it. He literally goes to hell and back without ever taking a moment to bemoan his situation or get scared. He even smiles when he gets a new gun. He's all about kicking butt and saving the day, no time for any emotional garbage. This guy has his priorities right.
3. Sam Fisher, "Splinter Cell"
Sam has recently undergone a mid-life crisis where he literally has become a younger man again (his original voice actor who is in his 60s was replaced by another actor in his 30s). He also has an interesting phenomenon where as he has gotten older he has gotten less stealth-focused to become more action oriented. While some may find that odd, it is just a testament to the sheer testosterone radiating from this man among men. He has saved America time and again and I have no doubt he'll continue to do so as long as we need him.
4. Kratos, "God of War"
Of all of these characters Kratos is by far the biggest jerk. I mean he really is not a likable person and even blames Ares for the death of his family even though it is totally his fault. The gods even try to kill him after he becomes the new God of War because he is such a jerk. That being said, he may be the most accomplished character ever. Throughout his career he has pretty much destroyed every character that has ever existed in Greek mythology in some of the most brutal ways imaginable. The gods probably should have thought the whole attempted murder thing through because Kratos has never failed an attempt to kill someone. Plus his body is covered in the ashes of his wife and child so he's continuously pissed off to begin with, adding fuel to that fire is not the wisest choice.
5. Marcus Fenix, "Gears of War"
The "Gears of War" series is all about big guys with big guns killing big monsters in big fights. The only thing that measures up to the scale of everything else happening is the manliness of ex-con Marcus Fenix. I mean his gun has a freaking chainsaw attached to it. The series is populated with manly men but Marcus manages to stick out from the crowd and shoot and slash his way to stardom.
6. Master Chief, "Halo"
One of the greatest gaming icons of all time, Master Chief has reached the highest state of manliness where he has turned the government for the entire human race into an overly attached girlfriend that sends out a death squad when he doesn't return their calls for a few days. Just like Doom Guy Master Chief never lets his emotions show and even when faced with betrayal and loss he just keeps on saving the galaxy and flipping tanks without breaking a sweat.
7. Captain Price, "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare"
Captain Price works to prove that sometimes even Brits can be better than Americans. From launching a nuke into space to save America to hunting down the terrorist mastermind and smoking a cigar after hanging him, we all know this man answers the highest call of duty. He can kick butt and take names in his sleep and he can save the world in time for tea. You cannot deny the Price is right.
8. John Marston, "Red Dead Redemption"
Gaming's answer to Clint Eastwood, John Marston is arguably the best cowboy ever. He can be whatever you want him to be, from a thief and murderer to a repentant hero saving cats from trees. Regardless of your choices his manliness is never lost as he is always capable and doesn't even let death get in his way as he faces an Undead Nightmare.
9. Duke Nukem, "Duke Nukem"
It can be argued that Duke's manliness has gotten so out of control that he's more of a joke than anything. But no matter what people say, Duke will never stop coming up with the best insults and most creative kills ever. If every 80s action movie character were merged into one being that would be Duke. In fact, that might not even equal the manliness Duke exudes. He knows when its time to kick butt and save babes and he's here to kick butt and chew bubble gum but is all out of bubble gum.
10. Commander Shepard, "Mass Effect"
I was a little hesitant to put Shepard up here with all these manly men because technically he can also be a girl depending on how you create your character. However, this intergalactic legend is quite possibly the manliest man the universe has ever known. Death can't keep him down, he's got a galaxy to save, friendships to forge and romances to develop. You can fight like a Krogan, run like a leopard but you'll never be better than Commander Shepard!
Honorable Mentions: Solid Snake ("Metal Gear Solid"), Ezio Auditore ("Assassin's Creed") and Lee Everett ("The Walking Dead")
So there you have it, the best of the bros gaming has given us. This is all my opinion though, what sayest thou?
