Your nonna is the glue to your family. She's the cook that everyone envies, the therapist that everyone confides in, and the comedian that everyone goes to for a good laugh. Growing up Italian-American is exactly like the movies. Food is everywhere, relatives are shouting (talking) from across the table, and there's a ton of vino. That being said, here are 10 things that you should never ever say to the woman who created that huge family of yours.
1. "I'm full."
It's number one for a reason. Never, under any circumstances, tell your grandmother--or any Italian grandmother for that matter--that you're full. "You don't eat my food? Why you no love grandma?" Your grandma would rather that you eat ten meatballs, three pieces of lasagna, and two pieces of her chicken parmigiana than go home on an empty stomach. Then she'll say that you're too skinny and that you need to put some meat on your bones and proceed to make cannolis for dessert.
2. "My boyfriend isn't Italian."
Whether it's your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, she wants to keep the Italian bloodline strong. So you're in love with a nice Irish boy? He'd better learn to eat like an Italian then.
3. "I'm on a diet."
God forbid that you come to Christmas dinner for the Seven Fishes and tell her that you're on a diet. That's just an excuse for her to feed you double what she would normally give you.
4. "I'm lactose intolerant."
Cheese is in 99 percent of the things that she cooks. Chicken parmigiana, manicotti, stuffed shells, the list goes on and on. You had better learn how to not be lactose intolerant anymore, otherwise you'll break her heart. Stock up on Lactaid because you're going to need it.
5. "Why do you have plastic on this (insert piece of furniture here)?"
Italian grandmothers take pride in their furniture, which is why it's all covered up in plastic. Why would you ruin the couch by letting people sit on it? Just add a plastic cover and your problem is solved. Now you can sit down without worrying about spilling your wine (unless it hits the white carpet that you had to take your shoes off to walk on).
6. "Who's Frank Sinatra?"
If you've ever been to an Italian's house, chances are that you've heard a few songs from Frank Sinatra. I'm convinced that my grandma is going to marry him in her next life.
7. "Ragu is on sale, do you want me to pick you up a can?"
If you ever think that a true Italian wants this on their spaghetti then you've got another thing coming! A lot of Italians make their own sauce, so offering this up would be an insult.
8. "I love the Olive Garden!"
Saying this is almost as bad as saying, "I buy Ragu at the grocery store." You're putting shame on your ancestors. (If you haven't seen the video where Italian grandmothers try Olive Garden for the first time, I highly recommend it.)
9. "I don't drink coffee."
Chances are that your grandma has given you coffee with biscotti since the day that you could talk. It's just how things work. Just because it's 11 p.m. doesn't stop your grandma from putting on the third pot of coffee since dinner ended.
10. "I don't want kids."
The one thing that your grandmother wants more than anything is more grandchildren. It means that she has more kids to spoil, teach, and love. Why would you want to let her down?
Regardless of these ten things, your grandma will always love you. Just try your best not to upset her, because she's definitely someone that you don't want to mess with.
