I never thought I'd ever sit and write this. I never thought after all this time I'd still be hurt, that I'd still be scared to let someone in again. But here I am, five years later, still hurt, still scared. I wondered why after this time? What is it about this relationship that has me still so scared? And all I can think of is I'm scared because of you. I'm afraid to let anyone new get close to me, because of you I can't let my walls down with anyone. I knew what heartbreak was before you, I've lived it my whole life, but you... you showed me a whole new level of heart break.

As I sit here I think back to those five years ago, where I constantly made myself look like an idiot as i defended you to my family and friends. How many times I said they were so so wrong about you, that you were one of the best things for me. Oh boy, was I so fucking wrong, I was just too blind to see it all. Blind by the way you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world, that the feeling was so so real but i know now that it wasn't. I think maybe one day I'll say 'I forgive you' or 'I get why you did it' but that day isn't today.

I sit here and wonder do you truly know what it's like to get a message from your significant other's ex girlfriend saying the one thing you've been defending them constantly against? Do you know what thoughts that go through your mind when you read, "Hey, I thought I should let you know, but the day after Christmas, he was with me and we slept together... I'm pregnant." Do you know the sick feeling you get when you remember you spent Christmas with them in every which and then two days later spent the whole day together and remember them saying "I was helping my mother clean the house all day yesterday, that's why I'm tired."? Do you know that feeling?

There were minutes that had gone by where it felt like I couldn't even breathe and kept denying it, there was no way you did what she was saying. It wasn't until she said she'd spent many days with you and how you told her everything and she perfectly described every fight we had word for word and that's when I knew. That's when the constant thoughts of what I did wrong swarmed my brain, why I wasn't good enough, why I didn't deserve love. There were days I stayed up crying wondering why I let my guard down around you, crying that I wasn't good enough all because of you.

It took weeks, maybe even months that I finally realized I wasn't the problem. That I am good enough, I am worthy enough for love. You destroyed me, you hurt me in ways I didn't think would ever be possible again. You made it nearly impossible for me to let yet another guy into my life again to get into another relationship, because i based them all off of you. I thought you definitely won, I will forever be scared but I'm now writing this to tell you that I'm not letting you win. I'm going to let you ruin me anymore, I am not going to base every guy on the way you hurt me. No, I will never forgive you or understand why you cheated on me but I will choose to be happy and love myself more than you ever did, because I know I'm good enough and I know I am worthy of love and I will always remember you as the guy who ruined me.

- The Girl You Lied To.