Whether it's the talk of brain eating amoebas in Oklahoma or the tireless advertising of network television, I finally caved and watched the pilot episode of AMC’s Fear of the Walking Dead. Set to take place at the very moment a zombie apocalypse is about to occur in Los Angeles, the show was bound to get interesting fairly quickly. The following catalogs my reactions from the first five minutes of the new horror show.

Dramatic fade in.

1. Hello, random young millennial. Are you a zombie?
2. Nope. You’re hungover.
3. Those states of being are not totally unalike.
4. Who’s Gloria? The intrigue begins.
5. Wait. Are we in a church? Given the setting, does that make Gloria ironic?
6. What are you wearing? Because its one step away from a cameo in “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”
7. AMC probably just wanted to show off your abs.
8. But sex and zombies? No go.
9. We are indeed an abandoned church.
10. Interesting swagger. The zombie ruling is not yet off the table.
11. Or, I mean, it could be constipation. I don’t know your life.
12. Or your name. Let’s call you Zach.
13. Clearly, Zach, you don’t watch horror movies. You never go to investigate the screams in the darkened downstairs. Especially when there’s already blood smears on the wall.
14. Zach, I mean, you do you my friend.
15. Yep, body count: 1
16. Shocking no one. Except, maybe, Zach.
17. Could it be Gloria?
18. Spoiler: the dead man is definitely not Gloria.
19. I love that you just walk away. The dead man is not Gloria, therefore we must continue.
20. Chivalry is not dead.
21. Is that a sword?! Way to go Zach! Bonus Points *10000
22. This just became my new favorite show.
23. Correction, that—that is a candlestick. My bad.
24. So, Gloria eats faces.
25. But now I see where you got your fashion sense, Zach.
26. Wait, how did you not see her from the balcony on the second floor? She wasn’t exactly hiding.
27. I wouldn’t sit so close Zach. You’re wearing white.
28. No, I don't think Gloria wants a hug.
29. I too would jump out of a window right about now.
30. Commence running sequence.
31. Don’t look back.
32. You looked back.
33. She’s not even chasing you, Zach, calm down.
34. This scene looked a whole lot different on the commercial.
35. I shouldn’t be so surprised. It is called Fear of the "Walking Dead."
36. To be fair to Gloria, the murderers who walk always manage to catch the people running away anyway.
37. Will Zach trip?
38. Why did you stop running? In the middle of the street?
39. Sadly, that car was inevitable.
40. When you woke up three and half minutes ago, I bet you imagined your morning going a little bit differently.
41. What is that on your abdomen? How did you already get bitten? Zach, don't be that guy.
42. Okay, it could be from getting hit by the car.
43. Seriously, though, priorities.
44. The street was deserted 0.5 seconds ago. Where are all these people coming from?
45. Clearly, the zombie mentality has already begun.
46. Overall, typical morning in Los Angeles.
47. I honestly couldn’t image a worse possible place to be during a zombie apocalypse.
48. Maybe New York. But Will Smith did okay.
49. So begins Fear the Walking Dead.
50. I should keep watching.

I later found out his name is not Zach. It is, in fact, Nick.