I know you've probably heard this a million times, but I'm here to tell you that, things may be bad now but they will get better. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, whether you think it or not. I have been in your situation before. I know exactly how you feel. I was in that situation for roughly 4 years and it was my absolute hell. I thought that my pain and suffering would never end. More than once, during that time I had thought that the only way out was to just end it all. But I didn't and that was the most amazing choice that I have ever made. If I had made that choice to just end it right then, then I would've never gone to college, I would have never met my best friend, I would have never experienced all of these amazing things that have happened in my life.
June 2010, I lost my grandfather, my best friend, from a massive heart attack. I was only 12 and this was my first experience with death, or really any event that tested me and my mental stability. It's what began to drive me towards depression and is still one of the most traumatic events that have ever happened to me. A month and a half after my grandpa's passing was the passing of my great-grandmother from natural causes. At this point, I felt unaffected. I was numb to my feelings and the sadness that this had caused.
Less than a year after this event was another that basically was the real showing of my depression and my decline. This was the separation of my parents, which basically showed me all of the evil in this world. At this point, I was in a very deep depression, while also dealing with the fact that I was denying to myself the fact that I was gay due to the fact that I grew up Catholic and was told how terrible of a thing being homosexual is. This is a major reason as to why LGBT youth have a severely high suicide rate, and if you're apart of the community you know first hand, but living a life in which you're constantly lying to yourself about who you are can be disastrous to your mental health.
On top of life giving me some of the hardest events to handle, one of the greatest contributors to my severe depression was the fact that someone very close to me mentally abused me for upwards to three years. I constantly heard things like, "you're too skinny" "You must have an eating disorder since you lost weight so quickly" "You're so useless" and basically anything else in that field. After a while, you start to think, "what if these comments are true? What if everything that they're saying has some truth to it?" This type of thinking can be severely toxic and harmful to your mental health, especially for such an extended period of time.
People say that words can't hurt, but those people have never been degraded by someone that they think cares about them. Still after two years, because of those words and the words of many others, I am living with severe body issues because when I was chubby while growing up, I was told that I was too fat but once I lost weight I was told that I was too skinny and accused of having an eating disorder, I could never win.
These are just a few things that I have encountered in my life that have impacted me very severely and that still affect me. But these events have shaped me in more ways than I can count, even the fact that I had considered suicide more than once while growing up, this specific set of events has helped me to have an appreciation for life that I would have never had if I hadn't thought about losing it all. One thing that all of these events has helped me realize is the fact that you shouldn't act as if all of it never happened, you shouldn't just shove it to the side because it happened, you can't change that, you can only use it to make you stronger for the future.
Now, I have learned to cope. I made it to THE university of my dreams and have found my path in life that I am passionate about. I have met some of the best friends that I know will be there until the end. And I've seen how low I could get and swore I would never get back there.
I will say it again and I'll continue to say it. It does get better. I know you won't believe me and you think I'm wrong, but look to the future. It's bright. I wrote this article because I know how you feel. You probably think that no one can ever understand what you're going through, you probably feel as if you can't go to anyone for help. But those are lies that you tell yourself. They aren't true, you are never alone, no matter how many times you tell yourself.
I am also here to tell you, don't ever be scared to get help, I know that there is a major stigma on mental health in today's culture but don't focus on that, only focus on you. But if you are ever scared to go to counseling, there is the 24-hour suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255 ) that you can always call and talk to someone. Just know, things do get better, talk to someone. Suicide is never worth it if you don't want to think about it because of yourself, think about all of the people that it will impact and how broke they would be without you. Just know you are loved and if this article helps even just one person, it will have been a success.