Having an eating disorder feels like you're chained to the bottom of a pool with the key to your freedom in hand, yet you've forgot how to work a lock. You're so close to surviving, yet so far from freedom. I knew college would come with stress and anxiety, but I never thought I would be someone who would struggle so closely with mental illness, especially body image issues leading to an eating disorder. Growing up, I was always chunky and overweight but I was confident in who I was and who I was created to be. Little did I know this confidence would surely fade as I stepped into a campus where guys were in the best shape I had ever seen and I was surrounded by guys at practice who had ripped abs or arms the size of hulk and here I was just an average person who has a layer of fat around my stomach and no muscle to show. So here is a look into what it's like to struggle with an eating disorder on a daily basis. I lived a life of purging and starvation in secret for so long that I learned to be successful in recovery meant to be open about my struggles and to allow people to walk with me through the darkest places.

I now am recovering and working every day on being a healthier and happier me. But this isn't an easy process. It's hard to choose every day to eat. It is hard to wake up with an empty stomach knowing I need the nutrients to run on, yet my mind telling me that I do not need to eat. I have to fight the urge every day to purge my body of the food I ate an hour before. There are days I long for something sweet like ice cream or a doughnut, but my mind refuses to let me eat it. I work out at the gym and try my hardest to burn the amount of calories I take in everyday (which is so not okay.)

I have a wonderful support system to get me through these tough moments, but sometimes they don't understand the true difficulty. I get the "You're so healthy" "you inspire me to eat better" or "how did you do it" comments all the time and yet people don't even know the struggle it is. There are days I wake up and I feel like I am in my own version of hell because I am surrounded by things, I desperately want but feeding into them even for a moment could lead down a path of destruction for me. Everything we do as Americans centers around food of some sort. We celebrate birthdays by going to dinner. Someone graduates and their family throws them a party with desserts and food of all kinds. A friend gets a promotion and its "Let's go to dinner and get drinks to celebrate." For someone with an eating disorder, it's not that simple. I have to think about where we are going and will there be something there that is healthy enough that I can eat and not feel guilty about it. When I go on trips, I have to strategically think about the food choices that will be available and whether I need to bring my own food to eat. When someone says, "Let's go get lunch," I find myself saying "I'm not hungry" as my stomach is growling, and I have to force myself to eat simply because I need it to survive. As someone with an eating disorder, it's hard because an addiction to food is a hard addiction to manage. We can't just stay away from it or say no to it. Our body needs food for survival. Yet my mind tells me otherwise. Most days, there isn't a moment where I do not think about my body image or the number of calories, I am consuming. This disorder has made the last year and a half pure hell. I've missed out on a lot of moments simply because it's easier to not put myself in a position to be tempted to do something drastic. However, I am working toward recovery and I thank God every day for the people he has placed in my life to walk alongside me through this battle.