All my life, I’ve been living as if I didn’t matter. I was prioritizing other people’s feelings over mine. I was not making myself the priority; I made family and friends the priority because I didn’t think I was worth it. I was comparing myself to others after I went through my cancer journey. I had to get used to a whole new spine, which meant that I walked slower than my peers. I still do. But I was mad at myself for walking slower and for being different. These surgeries made me gain weight as well, so I was criticizing myself for that. These negative voices were in my head saying, “You need to lose weight” or “You’re not talented.” I was depressed. Let’s just say, this was not a good time. I was my harshest critic.
It doesn’t matter if you suffer from an illness or not: we are all capable of judging ourselves. Everyone has these voices in their head that tell lies. The scary part is when people believe what these voices are saying. Thankfully, I gained control over these awful voices. I’ve learned how to cope. Yet, there are still some days where I compare myself to others. I think that I want to be like my parents or be like my friends. It’s fine to some extent, but when you want to actually be them instead of yourself, that’s when it goes too far. I’m still working on accepting myself and to only focus on being the best I can be.
During the summer, I was making lists that had what I wanted to complete every day. For example exercise, stretch, yoga, meditate. That would be my list. I was spending my whole day worrying if I would complete these tasks. I would feel horrible about myself if I did not complete everything on that list, which would generally happen. My dad is a great list maker, and I thought that I should try it out. One day I realized that I’m not like that. I don’t enjoy making lists! I’m more of a go-with-the-flow kind of girl. And you know what? That’s okay!
Comparing yourself to others leads to ruin. You don’t need to! When you learn to accept and love yourself, you live a happier life. Also, take away expectations. You don’t need them. Learn to love you in the moment. Don’t focus too much on who you want to be, because when you just enjoy the moment, everything folds into place.
I know that the message that is coming across is conflicting. The media shows models and celebrities that are ramrod thin. This makes people feel as if they need to be this way. The truth is though is that those pictures are photo-shopped; those are not real bodies. Society sets all these expectations about us that we supposedly need to follow. But no, we don’t need to follow these rules! Just be yourself; that’s all that matters.
