At some point or another, you probably had some questions for me. What happened? Why did I make that decision? How could I do it? Whose fault was it: yours or mine? Where did it all go wrong? And, I know I left you hanging, without any answers or explanation, but this is it. I guess you can say this is closure.
We made decisions that affected one another greatly. It wasn't just all you and it wasn't just all me. We share the blame for the certain things that led us here. Maybe we could have prevented it. Maybe we could have fixed it. Maybe, maybe. But, things happen for a reason and we can't always be in control.
I was going through more than you think. I bottled up many, many things because I didn't want to talk to anyone about them. I felt safer keeping to myself. The idea of telling you what was really going on with me made me feel like I would just be a burden. I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want you feeling sorry for me either. I didn't want you to look at me any different, so I pretended I was fine.
But, a part of me wished that you would notice something was off about me. I thought you would be able to tell that I was not being my usual self. Instead, I catered to your needs. You had your own problems. I knew you were counting on me to always be there. I tried my best to always be even when I was the one who actually needed help. Sometimes, it wasn't easy, you know. My life wasn't just an endless amount of fun as I made it seem. That was just me faking it and suppressing everything.
When it got to the point that it was all too much, I did what I thought was best for me. I cut people off. The ones who were just around when it was convenient for them. The ones who only saw me as their personal problem solver. The ones who did not give any crap about me at all.
I had to put myself first, for once.
I realized I deserved more than what I settled for. I needed to surround myself with people who wanted nothing but the best for me. That's exactly what I did.
If you're expecting an apology from me, you should know I won't ever say sorry for prioritizing myself. But, the least I can do is give you this, the explanation you might have wanted. Hopefully, you understand that I wanted to put myself in a better place. I didn't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I know I hurt you, but I was hurting for a long time. I can only hope that you are happy now and doing great. Now, I can say that I am and I am especially happy I got us out of what could have been toxic.
