I love to believe in people. I love to believe that everyone is good and kind, with the best intentions. I put so much faith in those around me, faith that they have my best interest at heart. I am someone who loves to give love and show people who are important to me, that I care about them. I have always felt like I was made to give more love than I receive and that's okay, I guess. I love to see the good in people, I love to think everyone is genuine and have true intentions, especially when it come to men and the dating world. When will I learn my lesson? I probably never will.

I look at everyone else and the lives they live; how many friends they have, how their boyfriends treat them and what their friends do for them. Then I look at mine and honestly, it is nothing like other peoples. I feel like I am always left hoping and wishing for someone to care enough about me to do something special for me. Idk I guess when if comes to friendships, I have never really felt that important to someone. Like all of my friends have better friends, like I think I am more of the last resort. When it comes to doing stuff or hanging out, I feel like I don't really have friends to do stuff with. Like I would love to have friends to go out drinking with or go to the beach with, but I just don't. My favorite is when I mention doing something and get told "oh yeah, lets do it" then we never do or I see them do it without me. Idk it makes it really hard to not think that people care about me, like I feel like I could move countries and nobody would care or notice. I think this is why I have such a deep desire to be loved because I genuinely don't feel like I am important enough to anyone. I always go out to my car after work thinkin I'll have messages or texts or snaps or anything, yet I never do. Honestly, I don't think I would even have a wedding party because I don't have many friends who really care. I just think I am the forgotten person in everyone's lives.

I don't even wanna get started on men. All men have ever done is disappoint me and I stg it's not because I have unrealistic expectations or require diamonds and bs, because I don't. Truthfully, I just want the bare minimum. I don't get why it is so hard for a guy to want to get to know me, just because he is interested in getting to know me for me. Why is it always just sex? Like why do they pretend to be genuinely interested in me and seem sweet but then drop the "I'm emotionally unavailable and don't want a relationship"? Like what is so wrong with me that a guy can't just want to be with me because he likes my laugh or my personality? Yeah sex is cool and fun, but why is that all that it is now a days? Like I don't wanna come over to your apartment to just have sex and then have meaningless conversation for an hour then leave. I want someone to ask me what my favorite scent is and what I am passionate about and why I miss my grandma so much. I just want someone to want to know me, not for sex but just genuinely want to know who I am and what makes Hanna, Hanna.

Recently, I have been going back and forth with two guys. One of which, I kind of knew just wanted to hook up with me but I went with it because men grow out of the just hooking up phase (right??). Wrong, I know that he is just stringing me along and whatever, okay but I don't think he has really made me think otherwise. It is frustrating because I see myself wanting to be interested but I know I am not good enough and that he'd never wanna be with me. The other guy however, just threw me for a curve ball because I really thought he was interested in getting to know me. Like he wasn't forward at all, he didn't make sexual jokes or try to hook up with me after a second of knowing me. He was constantly in my phone, good conversations, asking about my life and actually getting to know me. He was sweet, gave me cute compliments and made it seem like he was actually interested. We go out on a date; the way he acted, I really thought like "wow he is actually interested in getting to know me", haha wrong. We hook up and then afterwards I get hit with the "yeah I am not looking for anything for at least a year". He was nice about it and I appreciate him telling me but like why not tell me that before? Why act genuinely interested? Like I am for sure not psychotic and think that I liked him after only talking for like two weeks, but I could've seen myself liking him at some point. I just thought he was actually wanting to get to know me, not wanting to just have sex with me. To make it all worse, he acts completely different now. We literally don't speak and our snaps have no conversation so now it is very clear it was just sex and I am stupid. The worst part is I feel really bad about myself because I know I shouldn't have hooked up with him, but I thought he liked me and I thought it was more that just a random hook up but that is me being naïve to think anyone would want to know me, for me and not sex. Plus, now I have to sit and think if he is also acting different because I was fat or terrible in bed. Sex is already hard enough for me, so to now feel judged and stupid has made it so much harder. I should've made a better judgement call, I shouldn't have trusted that a good looking guy who checked a lot of my boxes would be interested in someone like me.

I think I am just starting to give up on people, I think I just need to take time to be by myself and try to figure out how to care for me. It is hard to be disappointed with others when you are already disappointed with yourself. Maybe I can start learning to love myself so I don't have to feel so down when others don't. Idk though, I just want to feel loved by others.

I don't know what the point of this post was really, I try to make them with some kinda of message so that when random people read them, they can get something from it. But today, today is just a long rant about my feelings and why I am just having a hard few days. But I will be fine, I will be okay because I am always okay. :)