Last week my Psychology of Development class had a guest speaker, a middle-aged spunky women named Elisabeth Harrod. She opened the floor by telling us that it was her second time ever speaking publicly, and then she delved passionately into the subject of her two kids. The lecture was about how she raised her children and how their bringing up affected how they turned out as adults. As she is referencing her particular style of parenting, what she titled Supportive Autonomy, she went through how exactly she was treating her kids. AS she went through specifics, it got me thinking about my own childhood and how I was raised.
When I look back on how I was raised, no part of me believes that my parents did a bad job. They had a healthy relationship, they were supportive of me, and they always made sure to express their unconditional love for me and my sister. However, the things that Harrod brought up got me thinking. To support autonomy- the ability of one being able to make independent and logical decisions for themselves- Harrod shared here method of what many would consider “Les-affair” parenting; essentially, letting the kids know that they are responsible for themselves from a young age. Examples of this include, not setting limits on screen time, not strictly controlling what the kids eat, and generally having the kids face the consequences for their actions. Harrod then explains the pattern of this method- at first the kids become obsessed with video games, as their freedom allows them to be, but then interestingly enough, at 15 years old they have no interest in them. In fact, they find video games to be boring.
Harrod explains that locking up something that kids naturally want- candy, screen time, etc.- is only going to make the kids become more and more involved, and even obsessed with what they cannot have. This follows them into adulthood, where the kid who was prohibited from watching TV wastes more valuable time exercising this freedom that they never had. Giving a child the freedom, and responsibility that inevitably comes with it, to take care of themselves teaches them to become independent and autonomous.
After her lecture I started thinking about how I was raised. I was raised in what Harrod would say is stricter than it should be. Meaning that there was much more control in my household coming from my parent's end. Although this is not necessarily bad, it explains some things about who I am today. I was never allowed to go somewhere by myself. The mall, for example, was not a place that I could hang out with friends alone, but rather a building of errands that I was dragged through with my Mom. Maybe that explains why I was so obsessed with it as soon as I was allowed to go with my friends. Food was always closely monitored in my household, and that could be to blame for my borderline obsession with it today. Bedtime was strict growing up, and today I can’t seem to find a proper adult sleep schedule that involves me waking up before 11.
I guess the lesson here is that how you’re raised does have a pretty big impact on who you are. But you’re not how you were raised unless you let your bedtime, your dessert habits, or any other minuscule detail of childhood define you.