You've thought it before, but I'm finally saying it. Your photo captions are stupid. Mine are stupid too. Sometimes my friends' captions are stupid. We all know how petty it is, but for some reason we obsess over captioning our IG pics and optimizing our likes to the extent of saving songs, quotes and creating whole Pinterest boards devoted to the subject—just in the hope that someone will comment "Caption (insert 100 emoji)" below our Valencia-filtered photo. Below are a few captions we've all seen (or used) that just plain suck.
The photo: A group of girls appearing to have fun. Most likely candid.
The caption: "We didn't know we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun."
Why it's stupid: Did you really think you wouldn't commit this moment to memory? Unless you black out (which, I suppose, is possible) you're probably going to remember this night at the bar with your friends.
The photo: A couple appearing to be in love. Probably kissing.
The caption: "I couldn't do life without you."
Why it's stupid: How does one do life anyway? Do you mean you couldn't live without them? Are you really sustaining life because of them? Can you only breathe their exhalations of carbon dioxide? I'm no doctor, but I think you could survive without this human being.
The photo: A girl and a dog. Usually a puppy and almost never owned by said girl.
The caption: "Whoever said diamonds were a girl's best friend never owned a dog."
Why it's stupid: You just met that dog and asked its owner if you could take a picture with it. The dog looks unhappy, anyway, and you're wearing diamond earrings.
The photo: A couple doing something weird, like making funny faces or kissing.
The caption: "Thanks for putting up with me."
Why it's stupid: You should be thanking your Instagram followers for still following you after posting this crap. Besides, why are you thanking them? You're probably awesome and they're lucky to be dating you. Or, maybe, you actually suck and they do make you feel like they're "putting up with you." Dump them.
The photo: A college student and his or her mother. Probably a selfie, because moms love selfies.
The caption: "I love you to the moon and back." (Nine times out of 10 this captioner uses emojis for "moon" and "back.")
Why it's stupid: The moon is only 238,900 miles away from Earth. I'm not going to do the math, because I hate math, but even doubled that doesn't sound too far away. Plus, I know you stole this caption from the 238,900 other people you've creeped on IG that have already used it.
The photo: A group of friends appearing to do something normal, like hanging out at the pool or eating at Cookout.
The caption: "(Insert thing they're doing) with my woes."
Why it's stupid: I know Urban Dictionary defines a woe as an associate or friend, but Merriam-Webster defines it as grief, regret or distress. That doesn't sound like a fun time with your friends. (Although most of us have probably experienced regret or distress at Cookout.)
The photo: Two sorority women. One is crouched in front of the other.
The caption: "It's the LITTLE things that make life BIG." (The words "little" and "big" are probably surrounded by those weird black dots in addition to being capitalized.)
Why it's stupid: While I and the rest of your followers are ecstatic for you that you have the best big/little EVER, we'd be even more ecstatic to not see this caption EVER again. And on top of that, your little is taller than you, so this only makes sense because she's awkwardly squatting.
Before you caption your next photo, I hope you think of all the ways I might make fun of you. Just kidding (kind of), but please give your followers something new to read. And to all you "Caption (insert 100 emoji)" people—stop encouraging crappy captions.
