Now, I don’t mean to stereotype anyone--oh, wait, yes I do. That’s kind of what this is about. Let’s start with beer, and break that down into categories. Call me judgmental; I'm not sorry.
Back in the day, ale was everything. It came from wheat, so it was nourishment, and was considered cleaner to drink than the water in most quaint 16th century European villages. Now, it’s the intoxicant of choice amongst dads, college students, and ballgame goers internationally. Beer is definitely not my favorite, but there is a time and place for it. However, not all beers, nor types of beer drinkers, are created equal.
Drinkers of Domestic Beer are intensely patriotic, and are usually American dads, frat boys, and girls trying to be “one of the boys” or “the chill girl” when they really want to gag. These are usually the no-frills type and have a cool, laid-back demeanor. Until they have too many, of course, or the beer bong is being whipped out, then an accident is likely to occur, and something is for sure going to be lit on fire.
Drinkers of Foreign Beer went abroad to somewhere like Belgium or Germany for a semester and decided that Europe > America. They will rave about Belgian beers you can’t pronounce and refuse to drink Coors or Bud because it tastes like “Piss water," yet oddly enough, they will still probably drink Blue Moon and PBR. Do they not realize those are also domestic? Anyway, this person is probably way more cultured than you, because they drink sours and hard ciders that aren’t Strongbow or Redd’s.
Craft Beer Drinkers are in a league of their own. Why do I say this? Because they will almost always tell you about it as they turn up their nose at whatever your drinking. Yes, I’m fully aware that “Psycho Monkey Dog Triple Hops IPA” or whatever is probably very good and that “Brick House Warthog Mocha Porter” has got some intense flavor , but it’s $3 Thursday and us mere mortals are going to stick with the happy hour special.
People who drink wine are either super classy or want you to think they are super classy and better than people who drink beer. But if it’s less than $10 or comes out of a bag, I hate to break it to you, you are not that classy. Especially if you call yourself classy. That’s like, the number one faux paux of life.
Maybe you constantly instagram “take me back” photos of your last trip to Napa, France, or Italy, or maybe you just really hate beer and can’t handle your hard liquor. You enjoy movie nights with the girls, and sometimes end up crying alone for no apparent reason in a frat house bathroom, not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything. Some people legitimately know how to enjoy wine, and those are the people you want planning your dinner parties and other special events, because they probably know what they are doing and are responsible at least for the first few glasses.
Like beer, types of wine differ. White wine drinkers aspire to be a “Real Housewife” or to get on any Bravo show they can edge their way into, whereas red wine drinkers are usually hopeless romantics who sit around, sipping their wine, waiting to be ravaged by Christian Grey or Edward Cullen. Or both. Rose drinkers only drink it because it’s pink, like, that’s the only reason. Sparkling wine people like to feel fancy; or they always feel like celebrating. If you will drink any wine, then you are me.
Vodka Sodas are for those of us who want the least caloric way to get drunk, or who don’t like the taste of sweet drinks, but still want a mixed drink rather than straight shots. They’re a pretty standard drink, they taste the same everywhere, because they are hard to mess up. So if you're in a bar that looks sketchy, or seems like the drinks aren’t too impressive, this is your best bet. A more intense male counterpart to this drink is the Vodka Red Bull, which means you are really tired, but still want to turn up. If you are constantly pounding these, you are probably a juiced-up gorilla and should probably lay off the creatine.
Maragaritas, Dauquiris, and anything else Rum or Tequila based are for those of us on perpetual Spring Break, or who wish you could be. You are closing your eyes as you sip and wishing you were in Cabo, Miami, Hawaii, or anywhere with a beach instead of this crappy bar with overpriced drinks. This counts for double points if you are having it in fishbowl form, or if it contains Blue Curacao.
You also probably hate the taste of alcohol and have a sweet tooth. Same goes for those who drink Long Island Iced Teas, Cosmos, or anything ending in ‘Tini. I don’t like to throw around the word basic, but I’m going to. If you drink Cosmos, LIIT, or ‘Tinis that don’t come with olives, then you are as basic as they come. You might as well just add some vodka to your iced skinny vanilla soy latte, or at least branch out and try a Gimlet or a Lemon Drop. I bet you also go "woo" whenever you take a sip, and the other patrons of the bar have turned that into a drinking game.
Drinks with suggestive names like AMF, Blow-Job Shots, Sex on the Beach, etc, are for people who literally just like saying the name. Just like how people order Moscow Mules just for the tin mug. You probably also order Dirty Chai Lattes or Irish Coffee in the morning, but I feel like someone already wrote an article about that. If you are drinking a Smirnoff Ice or Mike’s hard, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ARE PROBABLY UNDERAGE!
Whiskey, Bourbon, Rye and Scotch are for the best kinds of people, like Ron Swanson and Don Draper. All the girls want them, and all the guys want to be them. And no, Fireball and Southern Comfort do not count. Standard cocktails like Manhattans, Old Fashioneds and Whiskey Sours are always a solid choice, and they do not taste like rubbing alcohol like their clear counterparts. You’re probably a really cool person; maybe little bit pretentious, but that’s okay. Especially if you can drink it neat. Those guys pounding vodka and sugar-free redbulls ain’t got nothing on you.
Whatever your libation of choice may be, imbibe in the splendors of the world and raise a glass!
