I hate you. I love you. I miss you. Never talk to me again, (although I secretly hope you do). You liked my picture on Instagram, does this mean anything? You didn’t say hi to me this morning, did I do something wrong? Oh, you texted me, everything must be okay. But you were walking with her earlier, and she’s prettier than me. Ugh. But it’s okay, you told me I was the only one, so I should believe you. Right?

Rewind to when I first spoke to you; you were the perfect concoction of perfect trouble. Between your chiseled body and your crooked smile, it was nearly impossible to turn my back at the thought of you. The way you looked at me with your seemingly sincere eyes, the way you kissed me with your seemingly genuine lips. You became a drug and I became a full-blown addict. We spent every passing day together, becoming a daily routine. We goofed around and laughed at stupid things. We shared our most suppressed secrets. It wouldn’t get better than this. It couldn’t. It didn’t. You professed your devotion to me as though a daily ritual. Sometimes I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, someone like you actually wanted someone like me. And just me. We were perfect. You were perfect. We were unblemished, indestructible. The lust, the love so enslaving, the burning desire so daring. I desperately craved more. You swiftly stole my trust and my fragile beating heart, and just when we were at our highest, you dropped it like an anchor. Suddenly, there was nothing. We were nothing.

In the relentless darkness that was the following months, I thought back to our most treasured memories. However, things kept getting in the way. The bitter memories that I chose to ignore began punching me in the gut repeatedly. I realized we were not perfect, and you were far from it. In my wallowing self-pity, I came to a crushing reality: it was all my fault. I should have known better. I never questioned the sweet lies coming from your filthy lips that were kissing other lips, although maybe I should have. I clung onto every word you said, convincing myself there was no way you could be dishonest because after all, why would someone who loved me lie to me? You put me on a high-speed roller coaster, and I guess there was a reason I’ve always been afraid of roller coasters. One minute you put me on a pedestal, and just like that, I was the dirt beneath your shoes. I grew tired of the, “Maybe his phone died. Maybe he’s busy? Maybe he just forgot about our plans...again.” I made so many excuses for you that I even stopped believing them myself. I became too familiar with the empty shadows in my doorway and the loneliness that inevitably crept through time after time. You would disappear for days, sometimes weeks, and you’d suddenly reappear when it was convenient for you. You were a ghost, but a celebrity at the same time.

If only I could get back all the time I spent planning things that you constantly bailed on. The amount of effort I wasted on you would have been enough to create world peace, or even feed a third world country. A thank you never slipped from your mouth, just insults when things didn’t go your way, which of course you would later deny. You never saw any faults in yourself, never admitting to your indiscretions. However, you’d always emphasize mine. I get it, you’re better than me. Or so you’d try to make me think. I was never your priority. You’d put staring blankly at a wall before me; even your dry cleaning was more important. I was hardly even an afterthought. But then you’d charm me into thinking I was the most special girl, only to find out I wasn’t your only victim. You’d come to me when you needed me, then throw me away when you didn’t. You’re changing. You said hi to me today! “Okay good, hang in there, maybe he’ll come around.” Just maybe. But you never did. The echoes of “I’ll make it up to you, I swear,” would replay over and over again as I grew impatient and untrusting. Not only did you lie through your teeth, but the agonizing false hope was so much worse. I was crumbling while you were seemingly untouched. You love me. You love me. You love me. But you never wanted me at all.

You took away my smile. You took away my spunk. I became nearly unrecognizable to those around me and I even didn't recognize myself. Every day was a lethargic struggle to keep from breaking down. Even rock bottom felt unstable. You destroyed me. You damaged me. I saved myself. To be quite honest, I got bored of pity parties. I felt guilty for being such a burden on my friends. I decided it wasn’t fair that I was so broken while you were so whole. Instead of continuing to sob in piles of regrets, I learned valuable lessons from this. You taught me to be picky in who I gave my heart to. You taught me to never settle for less and that the candy-coated BS is unacceptable. You showed me that I am empathetic because I would never hurt anyone, especially the way you crushed me. You showed me that I am selfless because I cared about you too much when you didn't care at all. You showed me that I am overly forgiving, always choosing to see the good in everyone, when really, sometimes there just isn’t any. You showed me that I am patient, now putting faith in actions rather than rehearsed words. You showed me that I am determined, moving mountains for those who wouldn’t even lift a finger. You showed me that I deserve someone who will appreciate my qualities because it doesn’t take a genius to see them. But above all, you showed me that I can’t chase someone who doesn’t want to be chased.

If you’re waiting for me to thank you, then you'll surely be disappointed. But it’s okay, all you ever were was a huge disappointment anyway. You don’t deserve anything, except maybe a kick in the you-know-where. Instead, I thank myself for not allowing myself to succumb to the pessimistic, sorrowful side of depression and helplessness. I came out stronger, smarter, and more skeptical of who I put my trust in while you continue to be a smooth criminal. I no longer depend on others for happiness, because it could be taken away as quickly as it is given. I owe it all to myself, with no thanks to you, because you are a total scumbag.