It isn’t always easy to leave someone you loved so much, even when it hurts you to stay. I hear everyone saying that “it won't be me” or “I will leave before it gets worse.” Believe me, I was one of those people. You may think it’s that simple, but what happens when you are afraid to leave? What happens if you believe that the person you met will come back, even when he doesn’t? I never thought these questions would ever come into my mind until the love of my life became a stranger.

We sat at the same table in the dining hall with mutual friends. He had his friends and I had mine and that was just the way it was. He was talking about things I was not comfortable hearing about and I just never liked him because of that and I never thought that would change.

However, many months later I decided to give him more of a chance and not completely judge him from one day. I gave him my Snapchat and number and surprisingly, we hit it off right away. We were constantly in contact until God-knows-when at night. We talked about random stuff that made us laugh until we couldn't breathe anymore. We were getting closer than ever and the more we talked, the more comfortable I felt around him. He was my best friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It wasn’t until one movie night when I fell asleep on the couch is when everything I felt with him changed from being best friends to something more. I was lying down and then all of a sudden I felt this warm touch surrounding my body. He was holding me in his arms and stroking his hands up and down my shoulder. I thought that maybe I should run or scream. Before I could say a single word his voice just said, “Don’t worry; I am here.” After that I felt a warm sensation I couldn’t control. It was like I was waiting for this moment to happen, but I never thought it could be with him.

Days later we decided to hang out by ourselves. I left his room more confused than ever until I reached for my phone and I saw a text from him saying he was falling for me, and he wanted to give us a try. I didn’t know if I should just reply with the word yes or come up with some romantic way to say I wanted him too. After that moment there was nothing that could ever come between us. Yes, we had fights, and yes, we may have gotten on each other’s nerves, but we were always able to work it out. It never mattered who was right or who was wrong; we just knew we couldn’t be without one another. I knew he was the one right after that night he took me in his arms because I never felt so alive and loved in my life with anyone else I dated.

Six months later it was like a switch went off in his head. Every day for me was like walking into a minefield. I was carefully thinking about something I should say or do in order to not say or do the wrong thing and make him blow up, causing a huge argument. It always failed. We were fighting on a daily basis and every night I’d hear him say "I’m sorry, I love you," and of course I would take him back. He would say that he wanted me to lose weight because I wasn’t sexy enough for him. He wanted my hair up all the time because he liked it that way, He hated the way I would walk barefoot in my own dorm because he said that people don’t do that unless they’re disgusting. So I guess I was disgusting in his eyes. He said that my parents raised me wrong and that I should be doing things his way. I tried to fight back but it was no use. It was like he had complete control over me because if I ever tried to leave he said that he would find a way to hurt himself because he couldn’t live without me. I always kept hearing the words “don’t you love me?” and “don’t you want to make me happy?” I thought he was just going through things at home and he was just taking it out on me. I knew he wasn’t the person I met anymore. I started to not love him anymore. But I feared that if I left he would be dead and I never would’ve forgiven myself for making that happen. Two months later he started to ignore me. Instead of texting me once a day I would only get one-word responses and only so often until he was angry with me for something I never did. The guy I fell in love with wasn’t here anymore and he wasn’t coming back. It was like he died and I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. At the end of the year he ended the relationship.

I was angry. I was angry at the fact that he left and it wasn’t me. I was angry at myself for staying for so long when I knew in my head it was time to leave. I felt so stupid that I thought the guy I met and fell for ended up being such a jerk. I looked at myself in the mirror and hated who was staring back at me because I wasn’t what he wanted. I thought that maybe if I was, he would’ve come back to me. I was so down on myself that I stopped eating, couldn’t get out of bed, and all I wanted to do was be alone and cry. My friends tried to help but nothing really worked. I stopped believing in love because I felt that it only came around to hurt you.

I was one of the lucky ones who got out of a toxic relationship: some people don’t. Yes, I did get dumped, but at least I am still here. There are many things I learned throughout this experience:

• I don’t need someone to tell me what I should do, wear, and be. Someone should love you for who you are.
• You cannot make someone happy. He/She has to be the one to make his/herself happy before he/she can be a part of anyone’s happiness.
• It is NEVER the victim’s fault. Don’t feel like you have to change a thing about yourself because you are perfect the way you are.
• Do not replay scenes over and over in your head. There is nothing you could’ve done to make him/her stay and it’ll make you feel worse.
• Always give yourself time to heal. Even if it takes you a long time.

It may be devastating going through something like this. You may think you don’t deserve more than what he/she can give you and that’s why you stay. That is never the case. You always deserve so much more than you give yourself credit for. Give it time; someone will be there waiting for you and it will be the magical moment of your life. But for now, do what I do: think about me, myself and I.