I always had the thought in the back of my mind that if I was loved by a man, then I was worthy of being loved. What he loved about me, I then loved about myself. When I was mistreated by a man, I then told myself that I wasn't worthy of being loved. That it was my fault for the mistreatment. I would change myself in order to make my boyfriend happy. I would think, "what could I be doing differently, so he will be happy with me?" or "what can I do to make him love me more?". It wasn't until I began to realize that without a man's approval I was lost and unhappy that something in my life had to change. How did I ever expect to be happy with myself and love myself if I was constantly relying on someone else’s reassurance and acceptance of me? How did I expect to be loved fully by someone when I didn’t even love myself? If I didn’t see my worth, how would he ever see it either?
After my six-year relationship ended, I began to realize that I didn’t even know what I was passionate about. I didn’t know what was beautiful about myself because I wasn’t being told by another person. I thought I had to search for compliments from others to feel whole again. I sought attention to feel less lonely and empty. Six months ago, I didn’t like who I saw when I looked in the mirror. I barely knew who I was. I knew what my boyfriend loved in life. I knew what he was passionate about and what made him happy; but, I was lost at what really made me happy and what I loved about life.
The day my relationship ended, the relationship I have with myself started. It is a constant work in progress to love yourself and to be happy by yourself. I find that I will take major advancements in self-love and confidence, only to take steps back. But, I have truly come to accept that it is simply a part of life. Looking back on who I was six months ago and who I am now, I am proud of myself. I am happier than I was in the relationship, I am finally starting to become happy with myself. I look in the mirror and can point out what I like about myself. I have found a passion in writing. I have found comfort in being alone. It isn’t a lie that time heals everything. Patience is what will guide us through our journey of self-love and happiness.
It’s hard for me to believe that I was in a relationship for so long and that it had to end and stay ended for no reason. Each time I have tried to reopen the door that has been closed, I am taught once again why happiness can no longer be found in the arms of that man. True happiness first has to be found from within. When you know your self-worth and value, you then teach others how to treat you and how you deserve to be treated. I would never have seen how wonderful I am on my own if I stayed with someone because of the fear of feeling unlovable and undesirable.
Do I get lonely sometimes and miss being in a relationship? Yes. Am I down on myself at times because I don’t feel confident? Yes. But through all the struggle of finding self-love and appreciation, I have found that it is natural and so worth it. I am beautiful, smart, kind, and goofy. I don’t need anyone else to tell me that for me to believe that. If someone else doesn’t think those things about me, that’s okay too. I still do.
In my twenty years of life, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I have finally let myself be alone and have found that it is exactly what I have needed all along. Just me, myself, and I until someone comes along that sees my worth and loves me the way I deserve to be loved.
