We live in a time when “I know” and “I understand” have become a means by which we try to help someone cope. We try to reassure them that they are not alone; that someone else in this world has shared a similar experience. And yet, with those two-word phrases, we cheapen their experience. We make it seem as though their pain is simple. As though it is easy to gain access into everything they are experiencing. But in reality, we can never fully understand their experience because it has been molded by a history we are blind to.

When a person comes to you with a grief or personal problem, they are not asking you to relate. They may not even want your opinion; sometimes, people just want to release their emotions. And yet, we feel this innate need to relate our lives back to theirs. But what does that do for them? If they feel alone, remind them that globally, they are not alone. But, your personal life and personal problems do not belong within their lives. If they want your opinion or personal stories related to their own matter, they will ask you. Otherwise, be a good friend and listen to them.

Typically, when those conversations happen, we think that telling them we know how they feel will alleviate their pain in some way. But in reality, you could be hurting the person even more. You could frustrate them and make them question why they went to you in the first place. We may think that we can understand what they’re going through because we have a story that relates even on the smallest level; but that is not what your friend wants to hear. Yes, it’s nice to know universality, but your friend’s experience is not something that you can toss aside by talking about yourself. Sure, it might seem like you are helping her when you relate to her, but you are telling her that this situation is about you; or at least that is what it feels like to her.

Helping someone cope does not mean we have to try to relate. You want to be there for her. You want to help her; but the generation we have grown up in has molded us into self-minded people. And while that has its perks at times, it can also hurt us.

There are plenty of other ways you can help your friend, though. Be the friend they want you to be. Be the friend you would want when you have a problem. Listen to them, give them a shoulder to cry on, allow the information to pass by if that is what they desire. And off of that, don’t force someone to talk; if they don’t want to, you can’t make them. If they do come to you, however, feel honored in the fact that you have a friend who trusts you. Honor that trust and do your best to be there for your friend in any way you can. Be the friend you would want to be there for you.

And most of all, remember this: You don’t know, so please don’t say you understand.