Last week, while strolling through Facebook, I saw an article from Vogue that really stuck out to me. The article is called “How I learned to stop being the ‘chill girl’” and talked about the journalists experience in always trying to be the calm girl to avoid words thrown at them like crazy or over-committed.
This article went through my head all day. It made me stop and think about myself and my own dying obsession about being the chill girl. For me, it’s always been easier to pretend like I don’t care, to give off the vibe that nothing can shake me and not let anyone see my vulnerable side.
In high school, I quickly became to ‘push over’ girl. I actually liked this term and thought when my best friends would tell me I was a pushover it was a compliment, meaning I’m nice and easygoing. I quickly condemned the name when I started to look around at my friendships and relationships and realize I was not being treated the way I wanted. It would go so far I would wonder how it even started – why did I allow people to treat me like this? Is it because it’s easier to forgive and forget than to let people see you’re upset? Regardless of what it was, I found it easier to hide in a cocoon of my real emotions and only show the side of me that I considered cool and chill.
This mindset wasn’t only dangerous to me, it was bad for my friends as well. They would watch my emotions boil inside of me until one day I totally snapped. It wasn’t healthy to not be able to express yourself and how you really feel. I didn’t realize how unhealthy this mindset really was until a conversation with my best friend a few months ago changed my mind. After an hour of me bitching about the current state of my life, she looked at me (in only a way a real best friend can) and said “why is it so hard for you to just tell someone you’re upset with them? You don’t always have to be the chill girl” It’s not just me, it’s a lot of girls are under the social pressure to be the chill girl.
This stem of insecurity comes from never wanting to be the ‘crazy girl’. Everyone knows a girl who is considered crazy. Whether it be from an ex-lover or a bitter old friend, once a girl is deemed as crazy, it’s a hard thing to get away from. This was my biggest fear. I was scared once I started sharing my emotions and started standing up for myself that would turn into my prerogative. Which one is scarier, being crazy or never showing who you really are? I chose that I rather be crazy. It’s still something I work with every day, managing healthy relationships and maintaining my own personal mental health in the process is hard work.
What I’ve found, though, is that people appreciate someone who isn't static emotionless when you can talk to somebody upfront about why you’re upset the problems can go away. You can’t expect people to know when they are treating you badly or pushing over you, you have to be your own biggest fan and biggest advocate to get the relationships you want in life.
