In my life, I've come to find that writing about the hard times always helps me. I've found that putting my words on paper helps me move through things, instead of keeping them inside. I'm not one to cry in public, or burst into long speeches about what I feel, so I write. The person I'm going to write about was actually one that helped me realize this. So, here's to you. You know who you are. Here's to you helping me find what I thought was myself, and then losing it so that I could find where I'm actually supposed to be at.
"I'm sorry. If I could take it back, I would." My world began to spin as these words echoed through my heart. He told me what I suspected, but what I still hoped wasn't true. A shot to the heart, to this relationship, that we just couldn't come back from.
Our relationship was fantastic. Everyday I woke up smiling and every night I went to sleep with a mind full of thoughts about a future together. We laughed together, we cried together, we did it all together. We were a team and when most people saw us, they saw pure, intoxicating love. Sure, we fought. We drove each other insane some times, but the good kind of insane. From my side, everything was great and I was floating on air. From his side, apparently not so much. Temptation won over the love we shared.
I heard the words he spoke. Words about the other girl, the girl that was his accessory in the ultimate betrayal. I calmly listened to his explanation and the words of sorrow he felt the need to pour out. My mind tried to wrap itself around what was happening, but it just wouldn't. His talking ceased and it was my turn to respond. The only words my mouth could form was, what could I have done to stop this?
The words shocked him just as much coming out of my mouth as they did myself. Was I really blaming myself? Was I really looking for a point in our relationship where I did something so wrong that would make the cheating okay? It was the only way any of this would make sense. I was searching for an excuse for him where there was none. In all actuality, it wasn't me. I had no say so in the matter. I had no bearings on what he did that night while I was at home alone. The battle that had on our relationship was way too much to continue together, so there was nothing left for me to do except walk away. Hurt, scared, broken, but still walking.
I spent way too long comparing myself to her. The hair, the smile, the body type, the way her friends seemed to respond to her, I compared it all. I tried to find the things in her that he would find more admirable than what I had. I did this for nights on end until I realized, he didn't cheat me, he cheated himself. Yes, I had been cheated on. My trust and love had been taken and tossed to the side. But this was no fault of my own, it was his.
I did everything in this particular relationship to make him happy. I stayed faithful. I loved him with everything I was. I encouraged him. I made him laugh. I dealt with his terrible attitude and hot-headed temper. I did it all. After realizing that there was no point in our time together that I had ceased to try my best. I was able to let go. I decided that there was no need in trying to revive something that was already dead or trying to reconcile with the person who couldn't care less about me. The feeling I had when I did finally decide to let go, was pure and utter freedom. The freedom was scary, but finally, I could breathe. See, the whole time I saw the signs. The random names of girls popping up on his phone, the way he got nervous when we would see one of those girls in public, or the way he would accuse me of cheating with any guy who looked my way. I had finally accepted that I was right the whole time and that there was no saving what was actually never there.
As soon as I let go, it was like a notification went off on his phone.
"She's doing good now. She's happy. You should try and get her back." That's what it felt like had been said to him after our first conversation post him sharing his adulterous adventures. For a second I believed his words. The crying. The begging. And then I realized, how could I love someone who didn't even respect me enough to uphold the sanctity of a relationship. I was done and this time he knew it.
After I cut off all communication, I started living life my own way. Hanging out with friends, focusing on school and work. I had no intentions of looking at another guy for a very long time. But, fate intervened. Someone walked in to my life and showed me the type of respect, motivation, appreciation, and dedication that I deserved. Whether that person stays in my life or not is another question, but he's already taught me so much about what I should actually be looking for.
So, to all the girls out there who see the signs like I did and choose to ignore them, don't. Let go and choose you. Choose to be free, be loved, and be with someone who is actually worth it. Choose to not think of it as you being cheated on. Think of it as, he cheated himself. Cheated himself right out of a good girl.