I’ll always be reminded, and I will always be asked. That’s okay, I understand. My scars are evident, and regardless of where or who is asking, the question is always the same. Self-injury, along with many other life-consuming disorders, carries a stigma that is nearly opposite of the truth. It’s hard to understand why someone would want to endanger his or her life, or even end it altogether.
The subjects are indeed difficult to talk about but need to be understood.
I personally have chosen not to talk about particular struggles with self-injury. It was February 21, 2015, I picked up, and put down, my razor for the last time; I’ve had a year to reflect on the battle I won. I’m well aware now.
I am well aware I do not blame anyone for the choice I have made; I do not even blame myself for actions I personally inflicted on myself. What happened truly no one can understand unless he or she experiences. And no one deserves that. I am aware of the pain, the numbness, and the desperation just for slight relief. I have been continuously aware of the triggering reminders of my self-injury; I have painfully realized the addictive skeleton in my closet.
I’m aware now I can never, and will never, return to self-injury. Difficult understates the past year of recovery, but the past year has been the best year of my life as well. I have learned how to live again, how to speak again, how to breathe again. Self-injury took away ‘me’ from me. I have come so far, and I will never give up. I can not give up, not for myself, but for my family, friends, and, most importantly I can not give up for those who are still struggling. I can not give up for the ones who have already lost.
I believe I speak for most self-injurers when I say I never wanted to cut. I never wanted to die either, at all. All I wanted was understanding, reason, for the pain I was feeling. I just wanted the emotions to stop.
No one wants to die, and no one ever wants to feel pain.
Yes, I did that to myself, but a monster consumed me. I know I am not alone. I am not alone as a now former self-harmer; it is estimated one out of five people have suffered and still are currently suffering from the self-injury.
The average classroom size in America is 25. That’s five students suffering from self-injury in a single class alone.
Self-injury should not be a misunderstood, underestimated topic. As my friends and family have learned, the addiction can happen to anyone. As I have learned, the addiction is real. The day before I put down my razor, I experienced worst pain than I had ever endured during the nine-year battle.
I felt the pain of someone who felt a different kind of pain; a pain thought to be never ending, and a pain so complex and compelling, in the end, the horrible monster took him.
He deserves to be here.
He and many others deserve to be here with us. Too often, the subjects we choose not to discuss or acknowledge ultimately end up being the hardest struggle within our lives. Instead, maybe it’s time to start doing the opposite. I believe it's time we discuss the heartbreaking topics, the painful emotions, we hide away and choose to ignore. We need to discuss, understand, and take action to assure no one feels the relief of self-injury or feels there will be no relief at all.
So, let’s talk. I know I am.
