As of today: I have been a freshman in college for two months. What a whirlwind of two months it has been. Everyone will tell you that college changes you but they never say to what extent. As I sit outside the library writing this post, I consider one of those things that has changed from high school me to college me: I’m realizing that someone will love me, but that I love myself more than they will.
In these past two months, my love life, friendships, and life have been rocked to the core. I have had moments where felt stranded, isolated, and alone. My relationships have been tested and sometimes I have failed. My love life has been torn and picked apart. After coming to Texas A&M, I had to face the decision that my relationship with my then current boyfriend no longer worked. This hit me so hard, mainly because I had thought he was "the one".
This relationship was with my first boyfriend. It began when we were both still in high school. He was a year older than me and was everything I was looking for. He was Godly, caring, passionate, and all around kind-hearted. I felt like I had won the lottery in love. After breaking up, I didn’t know how to be so open with someone again, especially after being together for a year and a half.
After this change, I met a guy who listened to me and helped me get over such a heartbreak. I developed feelings for him. There was an instant connection with him and I found myself being so open and vulnerable again, which I didn’t think was possible. I never thought I would lead with my heart over my head, but this one was different. I was worried about putting myself in a place where I would get hurt but I figured it was worth it. We seemed to agree on how compatible we were and that it felt right. It was a great few weeks but then one day he decided it wouldn’t work.
Once again, I felt inferior to the idea of love. I was left alone in my room with just my thoughts and doubts as to what I must have done wrong. Nothing hurt more than being left made a fool out of and constantly feeling like an idiot.
That’s when I knew I had messed up, I let myself think that I was the problem. I let another guy make me feel like a shriveled-up version of myself. From that moment on, I knew that I had to truly love myself and not let a guy dictate who I am.
I’ve realized how much of myself I have sacrificed to make others happy, especially when it came to my relationships. I was so focused on pleasing the people around me that I was always left with the question of “what if” and heartbreak. I forgot how much I am worth.
I wondered, how could I believe I was ever worthless, and why did I let a boy make me feel unworthy of love? After a lot of anger and tears, I found peace in knowing that I love myself. My worth is not decided by whomever I am with but how I see myself. I have been molding and made in the image of God, and have love all around me. My past doesn’t dictate who I am, but merely makes me strong and more prepared to face the future.
While deciding how to regain the love for who I am, I found a quote by Carl Jung which resonated in me. He stated, “the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” This is the most honest and truthful relation to what many of us are going through. Whether in love or just in life, we forget how valuable we are. We are all so loved and worth more than we know, therefore we must never forget that.