What if I told you your entire perception of yourself is based on the opinions of others? What if I told you that your sense of self would be incomplete without other people to interact with? Perhaps you have considered this idea before, or maybe you have always felt as if other people were unimportant to who you are. Either way, it is worth thinking about.              

In 1902, "Human Nature And The Social Order," by Charles Cooley, was published. In this book, Cooley introduces the idea of a looking glass self. Self, as defined in this context, is what you refer to when you say, “I.”  Considering how personal the self seems, it would make sense to assume that each individual develops their own sense of self, and who they are, with their thoughts and emotions. This mentality could be described as, “I am who I think I am.” According to the theory of the looking glass self, this is not the case. The looking glass self is defined by our perceptions of what others think of us. This would be more like, “I am who I think you think I am.”  Therefore, what is most important when developing a sense of self is not what we think of ourselves, but what we assume others think of us.             

This idea is widely accepted among modern neuroscientists and psychologists, as there is evidence that human brains are basically built to be social. Sociality is essential to being human; without it, proper development cannot be achieved. Without feedback from others, imagined or not, we cannot construct an idea of who or what we are. Without a need to distinguish ourselves from others, the concept of the self is rendered useless. I will not elaborate on social brain theories or human development, but both topics are worthy of reading about if you are interested in them. I recommend "The Self Illusion" by Bruce Hood. It is one of my recent favorite books. 

Why is all this important? Why does this matter? Let's consider the media as an example. I recently wrote an article about Kim Kardashian and how her photoshopped photographs, along with those of other women, could be damaging the self esteem of young women. While the general consensus among commenters was that they agreed, I received a few comments along the lines of, "no decent parent would let their child look to Kim Kardashian as a role model." While this may be true, and most girls may not consciously look to Kim as a role model, they will unconsciously compare themselves to her. Their brains are wired that way. They are told what a beautiful woman looks like and that beauty is socially desirable. Then, they assume that if they don't look similar in some way, others may not perceive them as beautiful, which can make it difficult for them to feel beautiful. Good parenting is definitely important, but there are some things that simply cannot be helped. A great book to read if you want to learn more about how little conscious control we have over our brains is "Incognito," by David Eagleman. 

The bottom line is, conscious decision making is not the dominant force in our brains. Of course, physical beauty is not the most important part of how many people feel about themselves. What about intelligence? Let's talk about test scores. The smart kids get As, and the stupid kids get Fs, right? That is how they are made to feel. Intelligence is socially desirable, like physical beauty. When a child gets an F, they assume others think they are stupid. According to the idea of the looking glass self, this means they will start to think they are stupid, as well. Children are deciding how smart they are based on letters on a paper, and how attractive they are based on photoshopped photos of celebrities. 

These are just two very common examples of what a social brain can do to the self esteem of children and young adults. While I am not necessarily calling for reform, I am calling for thought and discussion on this topic. Our brains are wired to work a certain way, but perhaps we can cater to it and figure out a way to help children develop a healthier sense of self. There is so much to be said about this topic, and everyone deserves to learn about it.