You feel like an object. You feel like you were just there for his use. You don't feel like a human because of what he did to you. You just want to go on with your life because dealing with the reality of the situation is too much. But you can't even sleep without him creeping into your dreams, which are now nightmares. And you're scared to sleep, which is supposed to be your escape from reality, but it's not anymore. You feel worthless. You feel dirty. You feel like no one will ever be able to love you because of what he did.
But I'm here to tell you that you're wrong.
You are not an object. You are a human being who deserves so much more than what he viewed you as on that one drunken night. You are not dirty. You are not tainted. You are not ruined. You are lovable. You are not worthless.
He objectified you. He took something from you that you hadn't given to anyone before. He forced you to hand it over. He saw your loss as his gain and didn't think twice about the way it would affect you. He used your own body against you, something you never thought possible, something you still don't understand. But it happened, and you've been left to deal with the mess that is your life because of him.
He can't see that he stole all the love you had to give. He can't see the guilt you feel for getting drunk just that one time. He can't see all the gut-wrenching sobs you've cried alone. He can't see the scars on your wrists or the panic attacks or all the meals you've skipped. He can't see how much shame you put on yourself, starting from the moment after it happened when you went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. You saw yourself differently that night and have every night since. But he can't see that.
I'm here to tell you that you are stronger than this. He couldn't see your worth, but I promise you that it is there and someone else will see it. Someone else will see you for the beautiful person you are. They won't think of you as dirty or tainted because of something that was out of your control. You didn't choose this. They will love you, not despite what happened, but because of what happened. They will love every single part of you, even this part.
This doesn't make you unlovable or weak or ruined or worthless. It makes you strong. You are so strong. You will get through this, but you can't do it alone. Lean on the people you love and who love you most. Lean on God to give you strength to fight this. Love yourself. Take care of yourself.
You woke up today, and that's a step in the right direction.
