I compare myself to others a lot. It's not healthy. I wish I didn't do it, but I do. Somehow, thoughts like, "She's so much prettier than me," "If I was as funny as them people would like me more," "If I was a more 'relatable' people might want to be better friends with me," but the worst one is "I'll never be as good as them."
All these things are simple, yet so powerful. These are the words that put me down the most… The crazy part is that this is what I am telling myself. Other people say that I am outgoing and beautiful and have a contagious smile. Of course those compliments are amazing but how can I believe them when I can't even agree with them? These are the thoughts that put me down. I tend to tell myself a lot that I could be so much better. That I could be prettier or skinnier. I am trying my best to believe in myself and I am working hard to realize that I am enough.
I think a lot this comes from my childhood. I started getting highlights in my hair when I was in the 3rdgrade because my hair color was too bland. My piers told me countless times that I was fat and my how that one word triggers me still to this day.
The truth is that I grew up around people who were just better at life than I was. In high school they had boyfriends. They were always with their friends. They dressed better, acted better, and even made better grades. The crazy part about this is that I was the cheerleader. I was the new girl in high school. And I could have a boyfriend if I had wanted one. But I wasn't the best cheerleader. I wasn't the prettiest girl in high school. And the guys that I liked wouldn't even take a look at me.
Sometimes, I love who I am. I can be outgoing and smile through the pain. But I do have those days where I look at the girls around me and I wish I was them. Being good enough isn't important. As long as I see myself in a positive way, I don't care if I'm not worthy of other's approval. I don't need it in the long run. There may be days when I feel worthless and empty, but I know I'm harder on myself than I should be.
Of course, I wish I could say that I woke up every day and was completely happy with who I am, but sometimes that's just not how it is. I think sometimes the best thing we can do when we are feeling down is to just accept that, that day is not our best day, but there are so many more days that are going to be so much better.
There are still days that I feel like I'm not good enough.. But I am working on that.
So, to the girl who believes all the lies she tells herself,
Your feelings are valid. It is going to be okay. You are enough. You are loved. You are smart. There are people who care about you and will carry you through this hard time. Don't let the voices in your head consume you, don't fall victim to the lies you tell yourself. Because they are lies, they are not the truth. You are more than what you think and there are people who see that in you, all you have to do is see it in yourself every now and then.
