I'm a scaredy cat. There, I said it. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of hospitals, bees, car crashes, cringe-worthy words (like "moist" and "crevice"), and of course, horror movies. But I'm not that scared of horror movies. What scares me most is the unexpected noises in horror movies. That's right, noises. There's something that petrifies me so much about being caught off guard by an unexpected sound, not even the act of the murder itself, but the revving up of the chainsaw or a sudden rush of the orchestra in the score. So yeah, I'm scared a lot of things.
I've always embraced my fears. I've accepted that they're merely a part of who I am. I may not be as adventurous as everyone else, but at least I'm safe and sound on my couch where no one can hurt me (unless someone breaks in, robs me, or tries to kill me in my sleep, which I also am afraid of). I never thought I would overcome my fears as some people say it's common to outgrow your fears or face them once and for all. I never really considered those as options because 1) I've been stubborn pretty much since the day I was born; 2) I was too scared to even attempt to face my fears because I hate failing; 3) I just didn't want to; and 4) is it even really worth trying?
I came to terms with my fears and that, although they may be viewed as shortcomings, I just decided to pass them off as "cute" or "quirky" to disguise the fact that I was really being lazy. I very simply could try new things; I just didn't want to. But I didn't know why I didn't really want to. It could be my stubbornness, my fear of failure, or not even knowing where to start, but when it really comes down to it I didn't want to try new things, because I didn't want to change -- my biggest fear of all I couldn't let go of, even though it was the one that would set me free.
As my second year at DePaul comes to an end, I feel I have been shedding this habit of avoiding change as I move forward. I've been making a conscious effort to not only embrace change but make my own changes in that I feel I'm missing out on experiencing a lot of things. So I've been starting small. Engaging in small conversations with people I typically would have avoided. Trying new foods like Mediterranean, Greek, Chinese baos, even duck! I've also found myself listening to music that's popular, like Adele and Beyonce because I'm curious what the hype is all about. I even actually started going to the gym!
Not all of my endeavors have been successful, however. Though I've been talking to more people, it's harder to become better acquainted when trying to balance a busy schedule. I wasn't a huge fan of eating duck. I still despise some forms of exercise and believe that things like planking and running should be illegal. But despite these failures, I still feel these experiences are as gratifying as the successes. I've learned that learning to say "yes" more helps you narrow down exactly what you want; even if you never want to do that thing again. Once you've crossed the threshold, you know next time where you stand when you're given the option to participate.
I may not be riding on motorcycles or climbing mountains or eating fire anytime soon, but I'm learning step by step to start taking on more opportunities. Because in the end, what's the worst that could happen? There are a million reasons to say "no" to something, but the satisfaction that comes from saying "yes," even just once, will fulfill you more in the long run.
