March 5th, 2016. That is a day that will forever haunt my dreams. It was the last and final death that my seventeen year old self had to go through last year, and it was most definitely the hardest. This was the day I lost my father.
I was not the best daughter to him, so every event that past I think about how I didn't ever call him on my own, I didn't genuinely care about talking to him when I needed to. I still think about the things I have said to him, and everything left unsaid.
I don't want to spend time talking about how I felt on the day he left this earth, because thinking about the pain that hit me that day brings all the emotions back that I have worked so hard to forget. But, now that a year has passed I would like to express how I feel today, and the things that my dad has missed out on in the last year.
I woke up this morning, pretending that it isn't the fifth. I woke up like I have every other day for the past year, numb. Luckily enough I get to spend this day at home and not having to be at school struggling alone. Today isn't an ordinary day, and I shouldn't be feeling numb, but you have to figure out how to survive day to day without being a complete mess. Thats just not allowed. So, when it comes time for you to have to feel emotion, it is completely blocked out.
Now since I don't have much emotions about this does NOT mean I do not miss him. I do. Some nights I can't fall asleep and I try to pray to someone or something I don't even believe in because I feel like that is my only hope. I cry at night sometimes, but even then it can only last about 20 minutes.
The next thing I will talk about is a very deep subject, and I feel that anyone can relate to this if they have tried to fill their pain, ANY pain, with alcohol. I am a freshman in college, so I have been introduced to parties, alcohol, and whatever else college consist of. My first semester, every time I went out I tried to drink the bottle emptier than I was. And I did. I wasn't being safe, and I blacked out almost every time I went out. And after drinking more than I could handle, and blacking out I would just cry. I didn't mean to get that bad, ever. My friends always would get back at me for getting the way that I was and having to take care of me that night, and I can't say I blame them.
The only thing I wish they would've known is that I wasn't doing it on purpose, I wasn't having fun. I didn't want to be doing the things I was doing but I was just so numb about everything from the pass year that alcohol seemed like the fun way to go. Some nights when I would black out (more like every night) I would be crying for some reason about my dad. It would hit me like a brick, and I don't even remember the things I have said to actually know how I feel about this because I am so numb that I don't know.
Today I got a notification "Ring Ring the Past Is Calling" from timehop, and I wanted to say "well hang the fuck up because NOT TODAY" but I looked. This reminded me of the things that he has missed this year. For example, he missed my high school graduation by about three months, he missed sending me off to college, he missed my first article that got published, he missed when I got my first car, and not to mention all the first holidays this year that he missed. He also had to miss his birthday which was about two months after he passed, and he missed fathers day. Those were probably the hardest for me.
Over the past year I have grown up, I have changed. I have become a different person, a better person than I was a year ago today. A lot of it has to do with this historic day in my life. This is me, a year later. This is the most me I know how to give.
