Mama, it has officially been a whole year without you here. In some ways, this year has gone by so painfully slow. However, in other ways, I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. I think about you every single day and know that you're with me in everything that I do.
I know that you have helped me get through this first year without you here. I also know that the people whom I have met and let into my life in this past year, was also because of you. Whether or not they are in my life anymore, they each taught me a lesson. They each taught me how to be more independent and to love myself more. These people you sent to me each helped my grieve in my own way. They were there for support through the toughest times with a shoulder for me to cry on. But when you knew I became strong enough to handle it on my own, you showed them the exit.
I think back to the day you passed away with tears in my eyes remembering how painful it was for all of us to see you laying there so helpless. It kills me inside that I never got to actually say goodbye to you while you were still breathing. It kills me that when I left for work that morning you were still sleeping, and that I fell asleep before you could say goodnight the night before. Part of me, though, knows that even though I was sleeping, you still came in to say goodnight, because you always would.
Even though you're gone, I still find so much comfort in knowing that now you are always with me no matter where I go. I know you're in the passenger seat when I'm driving. I dream of you often, and I know that you're watching me while I sleep. Times where things should have turned out differently than they did, I know that you were there protecting me. Having a guardian angel as special as you is truly a gift and I could not be more grateful. I was your whole world, and anyone you ask would agree too. You were my best friend, and one of the only people I could go to without worrying about being judged.
I visit your cemetery now and talk to you for what seems like forever, just waiting for an answer. Just a slight breeze, a bird landing near, or a butterfly landing close by shows me that you're listening and offering help, just like you always would. I wish nothing more than to have you here on earth with me again, mama. But I know you'll never truly be gone. You will always live on in the world and atmosphere around me and I could not be more grateful for that. God has a plan for everyone, and this was just an unfortunate part of yours. But I love you with everything I have in me, and thank you for a year of guidance from above.
