I feel like a complete disappointment to my family. I will probably always feel this way, even though I know they are proud of me for working so hard in my first year of college. I can’t shake the feeling though, that my choices all throughout high school were lazy and ignorant. I wasted a lot of time in my high school days. Freshman and Sophomore year was a jumble of trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged. Junior year was during what I call my “dark time”, where my anxiety was at it’s highest and depression set it fast. Senior year was a game of catch up. During the years, I had passed every required class, even though I may have struggled with some of them. I spent the last months of high school trying to get my life set up to succeed for college. Things were going along okay when I got the news. It was a week and a day before graduation. I should have seen it coming, considering I had failed a few of my elective courses. I shouldn’t have been so upset to find out. I wasn’t graduating with the York High School Class of 2015.

I was only a few credits away from it, too. Had I started fixing things earlier or never let things get that bad, I would have done it. I could have taken a different path than I did. However, a year and a half later, it doesn’t do me much good to think about those what ifs.

I didn’t graduate with my class. I couldn’t have done that. I was a week and a day away from that date and there was no way I could make up what I had missed. So, with the help of some people who really cared about me (shout out to Cappy) I talked out my options with my counselor and my mom. It happened on a Wednesday morning. Words filled the room as I sat there, frozen. I was presented a few options. Spend another semester making up the credits I lacked, take Adult Ed, and the rest of the options, well, just like all of high school, I spaced out. I didn’t want to do any of those things, but Adult Ed seemed least objectionable. We talked to the woman in charge of the program and everyone was upset to find out that the graduation for it was the next day. A week before my classes graduation. I was determined to graduate in any way could.

All I had to do was take the preliminary tests and then the actual tests. If I passed the prelims, I could skip taking the course and graduate the next day. There were eight tests total and each one was a little over an hour and a half. I sat down that morning at 9:00 am and finished my four prelims and one of the main tests. The school day ended and I went home. II sat in the car in tears as I talked to my dad and stepmom on the phone. I had been lying to them about my graduation. They both expected this and were very supportive of my new plan. My dad, especially took it better than I had hoped. I have always felt like I let him down, because I knew he wanted better for me. He took my new plan and encouraged me to go for it. My mom was just as supportive, but she also seemed very sad. As a mother, it must be horrible to watch your first born spiral down a path you can’t rescue them from.

The next morning was a week from graduation. I went in and took my final three tests. At around 1 pm, I got the news I would be graduating with the Adult Ed class that night. My first thought was one of relief. My next, one of panic. I didn’t know what to tell my friends or classmates. Not like most of them cared, seeing as not many people ever connected with me, but it still is an odd thing to not see someone from your class not walk with you down the graduation aisle. I kept it a secret from mostly everyone. Only a few people knew the real situation. Everyone else was simply told I was just not able to attend graduation, so I got my diploma early. Total B.S. but it seemed to do the trick.

I walk with one of my best friends in the Adult Ed ceremony. The whole time, my head filled with words I had heard those past few days. “Failure” “Graduation” “Trying” “Finally” and bits of conversation here and far in between. Some of my friends were there, as well as a handful of teachers. I hadn’t expected things to work out so perfectly. I got my diploma and after that, only remember sitting in that seat, with tears streaming down my face. I didn’t feel as I deserved it. I had only started this 36 hours prior and I didn’t work nearly as hard as everyone else had, but at the same time… I broke every expectation that was had of me. Mainly, they were my my own expectations, but I had still done the one thing I seemed so bad at before. Succeeding.

I went to my classes graduation a week later. The girl who was so behind found herself ahead of the rest of her class. I still have mixed feelings about the whole situation. I feel proud for accomplishing what I never thought I could, yet like I will never amount to as much because some people don’t feel as if a G.E.D is as good as a High School Diploma. I wake up some days and am so upset by thoughts of never being as good as everyone else. I will always feel like I let people down by not going the normal route. My parents say they are proud, especially now that college is going so much better, but I didn’t meet their expectations for their first born. I will not be the most successful Vetter, but at least I have done something.

Very few people know my thoughts and feelings on this event and I thought I would openly try to explain it. A few people found out I didn’t graduate per usual method and I would much rather just make it known than keep it hidden any longer. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I did what I could and that’s all that there is to be done. Not graduating high school shouldn’t be such an awful thing because I at least tried to fix my mistakes. I’m certain not much of this is relevant, but it’s important to me I put it out there. The next piece I put out will be much more polished and articulated. That is, because I have a G.E.D.