Age-old-Time is the culprit, but it's not really that simply explained. Our 4-year-old group message has been silent, except for a few salient messages about my next visit. Probably, they’re just too busy, but I feel the stalemate we’re facing.
Truthfully, we’ve all been battling lately. We’ve all been going through our own issues and we’ve each been changing and finding new ways to cope within our adulthood. We’ve fought ourselves and hurt ourselves. We’ve each been in a civil war with ourselves at some point or another -- taken the easy way and joined the side of our head that tells us "we are falling apart."
Slowly, though, I can feel myself switching lines. I can feel the good side quieting the bad, and I can see the white flag from the opposition within me being raised as if to say “we surrender to your sunshine!”
This battle that rages on separates us from each other. It separates my friends from each other. It expedites the end of childhood idealism. With innocence gone, we try to stay complete in our trio. But we are in a darkness which will affect us so long as at least one of us is in it. And though I do not exist in this darkness, I've known it: I know that so long as my friend combats herself, I will be combatting with the illusory friend she has made me out to be in her mind. I will be the predator so long as she allows herself to be prey. To her, I am the product of civil war. But we are not combatants, we are allies.
I can see the other side! I can see a life that includes my beautiful best friends and a life of theirs that I am included in! I see the white flags waving on the horizon!
I’ve made peace with myself. I feel like I’m close to making peace with my friends -- I can almost clearly make out their true and loving mariposa forms. But they do not seem to have made peace with each other. I don’t see them comforting each other, but I see them making peace with their own bodies, how they've been scarred by the war -- cataloging what’s new and what’s left over.
I support their independent and singular reconstruction eras. I support the good guys winning. But, everyone is a bad guy to someone, and I can support my friends, but I can’t let myself be caught in the middle of their separation. We must find our way back to each other from our own finish lines, but only if we want to…
