I trusted the wrong person, the person I dated.

I didn't know what it was like to be suffocated, not allowed out of his sight.

To constantly walk on eggshells.

Now I do.

I thought I found a winner. One who could build a future with me. The person I could come home to every night. I was wrong. No one can understand what it's like to be in a controlling relationship unless you live it. I didn't understand it until recently. 43% college females experience one form of violence. I didn't expect to be a part of that percentage. I didn't expect to lose myself in the midst of the relationship. I certainly didn't expect to fight for my life.

The funny thing is, it started out all wonderful. We had in depth conversations on anything and everything, he helped me finish my homework, he told me how much he adored me...but little did I know there was a temper I've never seen. Little things would set him off.

Me texting someone other than him.

Talking to a coworker who was a guy.

Receiving a snapchat that wasn't from him.

Anything that didn't involve him, and him alone, he got agitated. At first it was manageable and we talked it out, I made sure I didn't bring up possible topics that would irritate him. He'd usually spend all weekend with me at my place, so I never had two seconds to myself. When I would fall asleep and my phone would vibrate from a notification, he would go in my phone to read it. I'd only realize he did it when I woke up to him yelling at me asking why I got a snapchat from so and so.

But then it got worse.

He got furious at the fact that I've been with other guys other than him. He would keep telling me, "No, you've only dated me, you've only slept with me." One night I fell asleep, only to wake up to him yelling again; however, this time was different. It escalated rather quickly, due to a text from a girl I know, mentioning a guy I was friends with and slept with once about a year ago. He was yelling loudly and punching my walls, making a huge hole that has yet to be fixed. He gets a knife out of my kitchen and starts waving it around. I knew then that I was in trouble.

It was 12:30am. I didn't know what to do. I sat in silence, shaking so much I couldn't speak. I was trying to figure out what to do. In that moment, I was so afraid to say anything; he could easily get worse if I said the wrong thing.

2:30am

I was held hostage for two hours, with him still yelling, threatening me, trying to steal my phone. He made accusations that I cheated on him, that I was texting someone else, etc. I still sat in silence. He then threatened he was gonna kill himself, going to the bathroom and locking the door. I got my keys and snuck out, running to my car and drove up the road and making sure he didn't see me. I called the cops, telling them I needed my boyfriend escorted out and he was dangerous. They got hold of him and questioned him. He said, "She's over-exaggerating, I didn't mean any of it." I broke up with him right there at 2:30 am on a Saturday night. The police stayed until he left, and I went to bed crying, yet, relieved because I was finally free.

I was set free physically, but not emotionally. Now, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. I look around my parking lot when I pull in at night, searching for his car. I can't fully go to sleep anymore. I'm on edge every single moment because I'm terrified. I receive pamplets in the mail for abuse victims. He knows where I live and where I work. I still have his number that I refuse to block because I want to keep tabs on him. And at least once a week, he texts or calls, saying he loves me, he'll never hurt me again, he misses me... I am ruined because of him, and I'm slowly having to love myself again and gain the strength to not be scared anymore.

To those who are currently or formerly in an abusive relationship, I understand. It takes a toll on you emotionally, but you can survive.