To the one who taught me what love was—

It's kind of funny, because you never really taught me what love actually was.

I want you to know that toxicity is not what I wanted to flow through my veins, but when I was with you, I thought I felt warmth, but I only felt pain. I finally see that now, after years. I attribute this to the fact that I was young and dumb, and the biggest thing in my life was to want to feel wanted, and you did that—no matter how false your intentions actually were.

I want you to know that I thought I was in love with you, but love was nowhere near us.

And you ruined me.

You have turned me into the girl who rejects love even though it is what I deserve.

I turn away those who try to love me in an effort to keep myself shut out from a false world I have created, where everyone is only here to build me up just to break me down.

I have done nothing but break those who have done nothing but try to fix me.

I believe the saddest part in all of this is that I am only broken because of you—one person so microscopic to the rest of the world.

None of that mattered because you were my world.

I still look for you in other people.

In fact, some days, I get sick to my stomach when I think of you.

Not because of what you did, but because I can still see myself being with you.

Some days, I hate myself for it.

“Maybe it was my fault.”

“Maybe it was the wrong time”

“Maybe if you just saw me again”

“Maybe things could be different; we could start fresh.”

It may still take years until I am finally free from my own thoughts of you, and that is okay because my mother once told me that time heals all wounds and if I waited this long I can wait even longer. Self-love is more important than any love anyone could give me. No one can take that away.

That is why I thank you for the experience. Years later and I can still find something to learn.

To the one who taught me what love was,

I don't hate you for what you did. I feel as if this was a life lesson that I have grown from, and that seems to make it alright. My time with you was beyond bittersweet. You did not teach me love in ways I wish you would have. You did not love me like I wish you would have. You have taught me love in ways to know what not to look for and one day I will forget you and you will forget me. I will have no regrets with my past life.

I am sorry that you are still what I look for, but one day I will find someone who gives me everything you were too selfish to, and that is the day I yearn for.