When I was in the second grade, I remember my mom scolding me for doing my homework in pen. It was math homework. At the time, math was my least favorite subject in the entire universe. I guess it’s okay now. When I first started writing, everything looked perfect, but once I checked my work, I had gotten nearly everything wrong and I had to correct it. Using Whiteout can only do so much. By the time I finished, my homework was a mess, nearly every word was illegible and scratched out. Back then, I was an incredibly stubborn tiny human and underneath it all, I don’t think I’ve changed much. I’m almost twenty, a junior in college, but at heart lies the same impatient child who fights to get her way. The only difference is that I’m not fighting with authority figures (sorry Mom), but rather my own choices and the way I expect my plans work out in the future.
My pen usage is just a metaphor for my stubborn behavior.
When I try to understand why I put myself in these types of situations, I discovered that it’s because of my habit to plan ahead… well…over plan. That’s not to say that I don't allow for spontaneity, but sometimes I become frustrated when I didn’t start writing my essay as early as planned or the book I started in February still isn’t finished by December. Planning has been a sort of release. This might sound like nonsense to some, but planning gives a sense of control over our lives. A false one.
As I’ve grown, I’ve come to realize that the only things that come from setting personal expectations higher than reachable is stress and disappointment. I’m ambitious, I hate to admit failure or inability to complete ALL of my goals. But that’s not how people work. We’re not machines, we can’t just move from one project to the next. We have thoughts and feelings and emotions. We need to experience things and enjoy them, otherwise we forget the purpose of it. The work we loved becomes a chore and the passion we had slowly drains from our souls.
I used to really enjoy drawing and in high school I thought I was going into a Graphic Design or art-focused career path. But that’s not what happened and I ventured into Public Relations instead. Partially because I realized I have a knack for event planning and communication as a whole, but also because I wasn’t as driven towards pursing Graphic Design. I was open to another possibility. I kept it written in pencil. Even my education at Loyola University New Orleans was in itself a leap of faith. I kept the possibility of going out of state open, though going out of state was out of my comfort zone. I had never been to Loyola New Orleans until I visited there and thought that New Orleans was just a place full of alcoholics and dirt. But when I visited, I fell in love. I found out that the New Orleans stereotype was only perpetuated by a few ignorant tourists (including myself at the time) who had only experienced Bourbon street.
Since moving to New Orleans, I’ve befriended some insanely talented people, enjoyed some of the best food in the country and immersed myself in one of the most interesting and influential cultures in the world, all while undergoing college’s “self discovery” process. None of that would have happened if I “penned in” my dream school and decided to pursue a career in Graphic Design. None of it.
I almost feel like a hypocrite for calling this habit (I still have) to attention, but I have a ways to go. I guess I’ll keep it in pencil for now.
