5 Step Guide To Writing An Infuriating Facebook Comment

5 Step Guide To Writing An Infuriating Facebook Comment

Based on 8 months of research, a recipe for pessimistic political discourse

The Facebook comments under links to news articles are special. Unlike the comments section under a post you share with your family and friends, the comments section under news is ostensibly a public space, a place of near anonymity where anyone can stand on the table and say anything and anyone can tear down anyone. It’s theatrical, at its core. A bar fight.

In a world of kill or be killed, a comment that can hold its own is one that immediately repulses people of differing views while subtly suggesting that you, its author, are beyond help. Logic and facts will no longer speak to you, so don’t bother. This is a balancing act every quality comment must accomplish. Here are some foolproof ways to hit the mark every time:

1. Invoke conspiracy and/or the paranormal.

There are these videos that allege that some musician is part of the Illuminati or worships Satan by playing a snippet of one of their songs backwards to reveal some sinister message.

The perfect comment seeks to mimic them. Create a reality that supports your opinion. Play by new rules. Twist evidence. Call Hillary Clinton a witch. What can people say to that? A closely related device is abusing language, particularly slang. No one wants to discuss Obama’s legacy with someone who spells ass like “azz.” It’s a wink and nudge that you live in a Wonderland-esque reality where that sort of thing is acceptable.

2. Nicknames make everything stick.

The utility of a nickname is obvious; Donald Trump applied this tactic to perfection. But the selection of a nickname requires skill. One of the worst things John Oliver did this past presidential election was trying to coin “Drumpf.” Classic liberal elitism! To understand “Drumpf” you need to read a few Wikipedia pages, watch a 20 minute video, and have some sense of paternalistic outrage. “Drumpf” is a PSA, not a nickname. Meanwhile, “Hitlary” was knocking people dead. The connection is simple and obvious. A good nickname should feel like jazz! Spontaneous! Natural!

3. Subtlety is stupid.

A literary Facebook comment is like a totaled car with a sick coat of paint. Everyone knows this, but not everyone thinks to weaponize this self-awareness. Think Jenny Holzer. Walk the line of the sublime; utilize the shock of the image. Capitalize words for emphasis, not grammar. Use all caps liberally. Leave NOTHING up to the viewer.

4. Clothe yourself in the gods.

Thomas Jefferson. Ronald Reagan. Invoke the infallible or revered. “[Insert name], do you hate the United States?” is maybe the perfect rebuttal. A related tactic is referencing the devil, be it Fox News or “special snowflakes” or just “Republicans.”

5. Everything is an opinion.

It's not just an iconic quote from an iconic movie! It is also a way of life! This is the true left-hand path. Pick and choose what you accept as a foundation of reality. Evaluate news according to your gut feeling. Intuit your response. Keep in the forefront of your mind whether accepting a certain fact will be convenient to you. This is the secret to a perfectly awful Facebook comment; regardless of whether you openly display this or not, as long as you decide not to heed the criticisms of your views, your Facebook comment will be truly impervious.

Cover Image Credit: TV Tropes

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The Basics Of Hygge, To Help You Get Your Groove On

We are VERY overdue for a cozy intervention!

Hygge What is it?

A term you’ve probably seen plastered over countless Pinterest boards and featured in this New Yorker article, “hygge, (pronounced hoo-guh) is a Danish term used to explain the feeling of contentment, well-being, and coziness. Though it has no true English translation, it’s gained massive popularity over the past few years.

Winter is the most hygge time of the year. This concept is all about the warm and fuzzy side of life: cozy slippers, roaring fireplaces, and soft blankets. But it’s so much more than that. It can be found in a cup of tea, while sitting with loved ones, or inside the crackling of a candle wick.

Adding warmth to your life is simpler than you think. I wrote this hygge-inspired article for an introduction to sprucing up your bedroom. If you want to make any space a bit cozier and content, add fuzzy pillows, soft rugs, softly dimmed string lights, and a couple of close friends (or your pet!).

Most importantly, hygge focuses on the present. Today, we’re drowning under a siege of notifications and it seems that our surrounding technology is inescapable. “But what about my followers?” Uhh, do you remember your real friends? As much as our lives do center around technology, we’re doing nothing but good when we take a break from technology. Put down the phone, power down your laptop, and enter the present. Curl up with a good book by the fire. Go to dinner with your family. Have a tech-free game night. Little things throughout the day can make you feel more connected without feeling like you NEED your phone.

This warm and fuzzy concept isn’t new, but platforms like Pinterest and Facebook have made it more accessible to the masses.

With so many holistic concepts like natural medicine and clean eating entering the mainstream, it’s no wonder that this Danish concept has gained so much popularity. It’s almost as is society is reverting back to a simpler time, which in my opinion, can do nothing but good.

Hygge helps us stay present, centered, and focused so that we can advance and better ourselves without forgetting the things that really matter. It’s so much more than blankets and lights.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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28 Things To Write About When You Don't Know What To Write About

Because writers block happens

So it's probably no surprise to anyone that sometimes a writer has no thoughts on what to write about. This week was one of those weeks for me. So this is what I came up with for this weeks article a nice list of things that can be written about when people aren't sure what to write about.

1. Your family

2. Your significant other

3. Why you love your major

4. Why you love your minor

5. Your best friend

6. Your ex-best friend

7. Your fur baby

8. A letter to the one that got away

9. A class that you love

10. A letter to the teacher/professor that changed your life.

11. Tattoo's

12. Your job

13. What you want your future to look like

14. Life lessons that your mom taught you

15. Your hate for the modern dating scene

16. Thoughts that you have going into a new semester

17. Thoughts you have as you're about to move into your first apartment

18. Student clubs

19. Why it's important to have an organized planner

20. Reasons to eat better

21. Thoughts that you have after getting a Fitbit

22. Pet peeves

23. Why you think your letter to Hogwarts is still coming

24. Your hate for men that aren't truthful from the start on what they want

25. Why it's important to have really good friends in your life.

26. Netflix shows worth binge-watching

27. Books worth reading

28. Thoughts on things happening in the world

Hopefully next time you or I have a hard time coming up with something to write about this list will help us even if we don't use something on this list maybe it will spark something else that you can write about.

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