Thanksgiving, the time we take out of the year to send our thanks without the help of a Hallmark card. Even though it would be easier, we cannot sum up our gratitude for the people and influences that got us closer to the end of another year.
As per tradition, Thanksgiving would not be complete without the presidential pardoning of the turkey and its send-off to a farm. In the same spirit, there are some things we would all like to pardon too.
1. The President.
Whatever your political affiliation, it's easy to place blame on a president for what happens to an entire country. We rarely think of the branches of government as playing a part in these mistakes. This time, however, it's more than necessary.
Current leader, President Fish Lips, of the free world has the mouth of a fish that is perpetually opened and it takes in bad ideas like a fish takes in water. This is a man that squints so much he can't see what he is doing to the country.
Fish are friends, not food, but this land shark thinks fish are friendly food fresh for him to eat. Thankfully there's less than a year left of this presidency and hopefully this pardon swims instead of sinks.
2. Racist relatives.
Nana baked some of here famous homemade dessert again this year. She also half-baked some pernicious after taste for your ears. Now that you're older, she assumes her choice words are still safe to share.
Come to think of it, there's a reason she never made chocolate chip cookies. You still love her despite her black and white thoughts. It was a different time, but that time has passed.
It's okay, for now. This pardon will last longer than her antiquated sense of right and wrong.
3. Weight watchers.
You thought you were going on a health kick starting on New Year's Day, but you didn't. You thought you were going to lift weights at the gym, but you lifted donuts into your face instead. No one blames you.
You tried and failed like the foodie you know you are. It's the one time of the year that Overeaters Anonymous don't have to hide their hunger.
The dinner table is a safe place this time of year; Thanksgiving is one big cheat day, even a cheat week, anyway. Feed your soul and pardon the waistline.
4. Drivers and shoppers.
Those teenagers are parking and blocking your driveway again, and in the wrong direction. Holiday shoppers are coming into stores with cheer but also dashing through the aisles to steal some deals.
It's hard not to succumb to the hustle and bustle year round, but at this time, it's unforgiving. Everyone can feel anonymous and feel special or more special, which is wrong.
The intentions are good, to celebrate the holiday, so a pardon is in order. Just don't park like you live here or elbow someone's grandpa to get to those knickknacks you need but don't want or want but don't need.
5. Birthdays in November and December.
We need to stop shaming people for being born in November and December. What about all those people born in the other ten months? Those come before December too. Plus, not everyone celebrates Christmas.
Why is it such a bad thing to receive a gift the month before Christmas anyway? Santa doesn't automatically scratch that person off his list every year because they got their gifts early.
Let them celebrate how they wish and pardon their parents for giving birth to them so close to the holidays.
Turkeys don't always get pardoned, they don't even get thanked for filling our bellies. A new tradition is in order: don't just thank each other, pardon each other as well.