Shark Week reignites everyone's primal fear of the gigantic, menacing, man-eating shark. That being said, there are a plethora of facts proving that sharks aren't that inherently dangerous or violent. But it's hard to get that point across when for a week we've all been watching Jaws maliciously eat surfers non-stop.
But the real monster of the ocean isn't a shark. It's a lionfish. These a-holes have been terrorizing the Atlantic since the late Eighties. The lionfish are an invasive species, meaning they do not belong in the Atlantic or any of the other places they've spread to! They originate from the Indo-Pacific region. How they arrived in Atlantic waters is unknown, but the likeliest story is that some bozo exotic fish buyers purchased them and then did not want to care for the high maintenance fish so they were thrown into the Atlantic.
Lionfish are the garbage cans of the sea. The teenage boy of the ocean. The guy who cuts you in line at an all-you-can-eat buffet and takes the entire tray of pasta you wanted. They eat anything and everything that they can fit into their ugly mouth.
In the words of a lionfish researcher:
"Lionfish can eat prey over half the size of their own body as long as it will fit into their mouths. Their stomach can expand up to 30 times the normal volume and a lionfish will fill up to capacity as soon as it is able. Lionfish are not picky eaters and feed indiscriminately. Scientists have cataloged over 70 different species that lionfish will eat through stomach content analysis."
Lionfish also are the fastest cataloged breeders in the Western Atlantic Basin. The stupid fish will release 50,000 eggs every three days. They're the ugly sea rabbits no one asked for. And because lionfish sexually mature after one year of life, and live an average of fifteen years, this is a serious issue.
They prey on so many different types of fish and multiply at such a rapid rate, that they're completely eradicating other species. "Science has demonstrated that a single lionfish can reduce native marine creatures by 80% to 90% in its range within just 5 weeks. Ever wonder why fish prices keep going up? Well, one reason is because lionfish have an enormous appetite and are everywhere. They eat the same sea creatures we love to eat: lobster, squid, mahi mahi, crab, tuna and more. So in case you didn't care before, now you might have to suffer never having good seafood ever again.
Lionfish have no honor. Even sharks, the big baddie of the sea, won't eat "cleaners." "Cleaners" is the term used to describe very small marine animals that maintain the health of larger creatures and reefs by eating surface algae from an animal's skin or the reef's surface. These cleaners are essential because they keep algae levels stable so that coral can receive enough oxygen to thrive and spawn new coral. All predators ignore the helpful cleaner fish for several reasons, the main ones being that they are helpful by cleaning the fish's body of algae and they're too small to be a good meal. This lowlife sicko eats them. All of them. This results in coral reefs dying at an alarming rate which is already occurring for other reasons. The death of coral reefs results in an entire ecosystems demise. All the animals that use the reef as shelter, the algae that grows on it and all plants surrounding the reef will also die. It's been said that marine plants produce over 70% of all oxygen on earth. So when we're all suffocating to death, you know who to blame.
To make matters worse, lionfish have no natural predator in the Atlantic. A stray shark or eel may be able to eat a wounded lionfish, but not without an adverse reaction to its venomous spines. A predator is a creature that is able to keep its prey's population from growing too large. No marine animal can prevent the expansion of the lionfish's population. The only real predator the lionfish has is us. Humans.
Unfortunately, we are not doing that great of a job. To catch or kill one of these scumbags is exceptionally difficult and the only proven way to do so is to spear fish them one by one. This is a long and taxing process that doesn't yield great results. It's impossible to catch lionfish in nets because their sharp spines tear the netting apart. They are highly adaptable as well. A lionfish can go three months without eating and only lose 10% of its body weight. It's also been found living in brackish water which is to say the least, terrifying. An animal that can survive in both saltwater and brackish water proves to be an enormous threat. It can destroy entire ecosystems in as little as five weeks due to its enormous appetite, rapid breeding rate and lack of predators. They have been reported to survive in as little as one foot of water, temperatures as low as 50 degrees Fahrenheit, and are biologically resistant to almost every disease. When the entire world is blown to shreds by nuclear war, these vile water rats will still be here.
I hate this fish. I hate whatever cruel evolutionary accident gave rise to these creatures. I hate hearing how "pretty" they are. When I see them in aquariums, living the good life, I want to reach in and punch it in its ugly, world-destroying face. These guys suck. If I had to spend the rest of my life systematically killing these bastards one by one, it would not be a life wasted.
To conclude this article I just want one thing to be clear. The lionfish is terrible. I hate them and so should you. Don't fear the shark, they're just chilling and minding their own business. Fear the lionfish who is destroying our main sources of oxygen, fish and an entire ecosystem. I didn't write this seeking a solution, or to offer you information about how we're winning the fight against this aquatic devil. The only point was for you to feel the same rage I do every day. Knowing I have to wake up and live in the same world as this seemingly indestructible force of chaos.
Feel mad, feel afraid and hopefully feel more informed.
