What I Want You To Know This World Mental Health Day
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Mental Illness Is Messy, And It Affects Everyone Differently

This is a life-long journey.

Mental Illness Is Messy, And It Affects Everyone Differently

At some point, you begin to accept the sadness. You begin to feel comfortable in the emptiness, you begin to fear happiness. At some point I began to accept the endless crying, I began to feel comfortable in loathing myself, I began to fear seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I told myself I wanted to be happy. I screamed to the world that I just wanted to feel okay again. And I cried to the air that I just wanted to like myself. But would happiness ever be as powerful emotionally as depression was? If I can clearly enunciate one thing about the deepest days of my depression, it's that I felt the most full emptiness that you could ever imagine. It felt like there was physically nothing in my body except for my organs — but I felt that emptiness more than I have ever felt any kind of fullness when happy.

There's one Snapchat I took in the winter of 2018 in which my eyes are swollen beyond imaginable, tears stained onto my cheeks, and my face emotionless. I wrote, "I have never felt so hopeless before." Every time I go back and look at it a pit forms in my chest and my heart skips a beat. Because I can still remember right now exactly how I felt on that winter day two years ago. So completely and utterly hopeless. But that emptiness was so full.

One of the themes for World Mental Health Day 2020 is "What people with mental illness want you to know." What do I want you to know?

If you are struggling right now, I want you to know that it is okay — it is normal — to fear happiness again.

If you do not struggle with mental illness, I want you to better understand the suicidal mind, my suicidal mind.

Every story is different, but this is my story and these are my thoughts. From someone who has experienced suicidal thoughts and ideations for years now, I struggle. Even on days like today, when I am not amidst a depressive spell, but when it is just gloomy and raining all day, I struggle with the thoughts that my mind forces in my thoughts. It's a day like today when I struggle to feel like I've made progress because the second one suicidal thought pops into your head again it feels as though you are back to square one.

Last year I was in Boston for a Christmas holiday tournament. I didn't perform as well as I had hoped, but I also didn't play unexpectedly bad either. It was a mediocre weekend. Walking out of the locker room after our final game, though, I shocked myself in the most terrifying of ways. Right before walking out the door, I took one final look back at all of my best friends and my mind told me "this might be the last time you see them."

This might be confusing to people who have never experienced anything like this, that "double voice" that people always talk about. Isn't it just you telling yourself it, but trying to blame it on someone else lest you take responsibility for it yourself? Honestly, I used to think that too. But no. There's a difference, in my opinion, between brain and mind. I can control my brain to think about what I want it to think, but my mind is its own entity.

This is where I feel like a prisoner in my own body, out of control.

My mind sent this thought into my head so subconsciously that my body nearly crumbled to the floor right then and there. From day one of my diagnosis, my therapist and psychologist had been begging me to acknowledge that hockey was my biggest trigger, but I couldn't accept it. I had to finish out my final year of hockey — I had to just push through it. But it was at that debilitating moment when I knew I needed to take action. It was either I take action on hockey being a trigger, or my mind was going to take action to remove me from this earth.

I took a break from hockey. I met with my coaches, my athletic director, my teammates, and my parents. I was captain, and I felt like I was letting everyone down. I knew I wasn't letting myself down, but I didn't respect myself enough to internalize that nothing else matters. I was too focused on feeling guilt over all the defensemen having to pick up my slack and get less time to catch their breaths on the bench, over my co-captain having to pull all the leadership weight on the ice, over putting my parents in the position of having to tell other parents why I wasn't playing. Even when I very well knew I was on the brink of ending it, I still couldn't give myself the benefit of the doubt to take a break and, literally, save myself.

I spent my nights sleeping over at school, on the phone for hours with my therapist, borrowing my friend's empty rooms to sob in private. Sitting here remembering and typing this all out, tears are welling in my eyes. As much as I feared (and sometimes still fear) happiness, I fear ever reaching that place again, which I know is a very high possibility with this illness.

I guess I'm not really giving any of you a clear cut answer as to what it feels like to have suicidal thoughts. Looking back at this article, it's all over the place. It's not edited or revised and it was clearly not planned out before my fingers started typing away. But I feel like this is only fitting for these topics.

On this World Mental Health Day, I hope you know that mental illness is messy, it's not a clear cut, planned out, or a revised thing. It affects you differently every time it makes its return. It hits you at the most random times. And it's a constant, life-long journey.

Report this Content

Women are known to lug around heavy purses with unnecessary items inside. How many of these useful items do you keep in your own bag? We need to be prepared with a list of things to have with us whenever we leave the house again.

Keep Reading... Show less

I personally love using song lyrics as my Instagram captions, especially from songs that I love or that mean a lot to me, and I happen to love Harry Styles and all of his songs! So I made a list of lyrics from each of his songs that you could use in your next Instagram caption.

Keep Reading... Show less

Everyone's been here. And, truthfully, it sucks. But in order to move on and get past something you need to allow yourself to feel it for what it is--all of the heartbreak and pain--and then you can start to take steps move on.

Keep Reading... Show less

11 Christmas Movies You'll Remember If You Were A 2000s Kid

Because I'm still reminiscing about simpler times.


The Christmas season is coming to an end, but it's not too late to get some last-minute movies in! Unfortunately, this year didn't look like a typical Christmas. While we can't have any big Christmas parties or family gatherings, we can still celebrate at home! Christmas is the best time for nostalgia, and we could all use some warm and fuzzy feelings as we wrap up a tough year and enter a new one that hasn't been proven any calmer, either.

As a kid who grew up in the 2000s, I can think of some of my favorite staple Christmas movies. If you're looking for recommendations or just a walk down memory lane, check out the list below.

Keep Reading... Show less

9 Reasons 'The Wilds' Should Be Your Next Binge Watch

The Wilds is the Best New Show on Amazon Prime


As we enter the new year, you might be looking for a great show to kick-off 2021. Look no further, I have the perfect recommendation. "The Wilds" was released on Amazon Prime last month and has been gaining traction steadily since then. This series of 10 one-hour episodes tells the stories of eight girls who find themselves on a deserted island after their plane crashed while they are on their way to a resort. Unlike other survival shows, there's a bit more to the story than what first meets the eye. This show is unique in characters, storytelling methods, and plot.

If you aren't convinced yet, allow me to provide you with a list of further persuasion.

Keep Reading... Show less

5 Therapeutic Ways To Be Adventurous During The Pandemic

Add some music to reduce the COVID-anxiety a bit and perceive your surroundings as the elaborate setting of a land far, far away from home


Even if we are not traveling abroad at the moment, we can still travel locally while maintaining social distancing and preventative guidelines. Sometimes, the little things in life seem the most fascinating and joyous to us compared to the flamboyant luxuries that we perhaps have a wishful desire for.

So, as a potential remedy for our travel necessity, I have listed 5 alternative ways in which you can relish your traveling desires during this pandemic.

Keep Reading... Show less

10 Things TikTok Made Me Buy, And Now My Life Is So Much Better

Where would I be without my Revlon hair dryer or CeraVe skin products?! Thanks, TikTok.


TikTok is a great way to see what products are trending. People are sharing tips and tricks about items that they use to make their life happier, healthier, or just easier.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments