For the longest time, I thought it was me. There was something wrong with me, the way I looked, the way I talked, my personality, something was wrong with me. As I grew up I just wanted to help you because I blamed myself. I thought if I saved you, you'd forgive me and I would have a mother that was there for everything mothers were supposed to be there for. What I didn't realize was that it couldn't possibly be anything to do with me simply because you didn't know a single thing about me.
You didn't know my favorite color or my worst nightmare. You weren't there when I fell in love the first time or when he broke my heart. I put my all into fixing you, but you didn't deserve it. You didn't deserve the time I spent in the slummiest of neighborhoods worried sick trying to find you and take you home just so you wouldn't give in to the pressure. Or the countless chances I gave simply because you apologized and I believed you wanted to get better. But I tried anyway because there was a hole in me and I thought you would fill it. Then one day you decided all I had just wasn't enough and you ran.
That was the day I truly gave up, because I realized this wasn't the way I was supposed to be living. It wasn't you that I needed to fill the hole, it was me. I needed to find myself in this crazy world and since that day that's all I've been doing. I take trips, I meet new people, try new things. I am alive but not because of you. You brought me into this world, but you aren't the reason I'm still here. That day you left is forever etched into my mind as the day I chose me. I'm not perfect and I have a long journey in truly finding myself, but I know what I deserve. I once thought you were all I needed to feel okay again, but that couldn't be any farther than the truth. I have everything I need right in front of me.
Family, friends, and nothing but pure opportunity await me, and if one day you decide I am enough, it won't matter because I already know. I'll always love you mom, but I'm letting go.
