It was one of the first sunny days in June, and my boyfriend and I decided to take a day trip to Canada. We went to the beach, drank a few bears, and went to Tim Hortons for a box of donut holes (or Timbits, if you’re a local) before heading back across the border into Blaine, Washington. We pulled up to the border patrol and handed our passports to an agent. He asked us the usual questions. What were you doing in Canada? Where do you live? What is your relation to each other? Upon answering the last question, the border patrol agent pressed on, asking us how long we have been together. “Five years last month,” my boyfriend answered. Unexpectedly, the agent responded with, “Wow. Five years, huh. You know what Beyoncé says about that, don’t you?” We all laughed genially (I was trying to hide the blush on my face), and as we drove away from the border into the US, I began to realize that nearly everyone I know has asked me at some point when I’m going to get married. Most often I simply laugh and say, “I’m not in any hurry, just enjoying my 20’s right now.” Even though I’m in an age group where my peers are starting to married, and even have kids, it never occurred to me that marriage should be on my immediate agenda.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that I never want to get married. I have a Pinterest board titled “Imaginary Wedding” filled with ring styles and dresses and adorable country-chic decorations. If you were to look through it you would see that I have my future wedding planned down to the wire just like any other wedding-hungry bridezilla. The difference, however, is that I recognize that I’m not ready for marriage. When I do decide to get married, I don’t want to look back and wonder where my 20’s went.
Keep in mind; I’m definitely not shaming the people who decide to get married young. People have different cultures and priorities, and my goal here is not to pressure people into avoiding marriage until they’re 30-something. What I do want to promote, however, is self-awareness. Be aware of your priorities and life goals, and then decide if you can handle tying-the-knot at an early age. In some ways, it’s more about being emotionally and psychologically ready for marriage. And some people are! But personally, I could write a list of 100 reasons why I won’t marry young. Here are just a few of those reasons.
Marriage is about love (or something) and not about societal pressure.
I realize that back in the day there was an enormous amount of pressure to get married young. People didn’t live as long, and women didn’t have the same rights and opportunities as they do today. These expectations have fastened onto society and have become the normal way to live. However, I think it is safe to say that this mentality is a little (a lot) outdated. It’s the 21st century, and no one is politely forcing me into matrimonial slavery. I’m 21, and I’m not dying. I have my entire life ahead of me, and being a wife isn’t my life’s only purpose.
I need to find myself.
Yeah, I know, totally cliché. But it is 100 percent true! Your 20’s are when you figure out what you, as a human being, are all about. I want to travel and make furniture, maybe even go skydiving! Okay, maybe not skydiving. But it’s important to have options. And I can do all of these things because I have the freedom to do so. I don’t have any grown-up life responsibilities yet (other than the colossal amount of debt I’m in – yay college!). And I’m not saying this is true in all marriages, but there is definitely a sense of, “I shouldn’t do anything reckless because I have responsibilities,” when you have someone other than yourself to worry about. I want a chance to be me, without any outside influence. That doesn’t mean I have to be without my boyfriend, but there is a huge difference between having a boyfriend and having a husband. Which brings me to my next point.
There is a psychological difference between having a boyfriend and having a husband.
Oddly enough, people that know my boyfriend and I well will tell you that we’re basically already married. I hear it all the time. After five years together, we pretty much know and accept everything about each other. We recognize that we are different people in a lot of ways, and we love each other for it. Sounds a little like a marriage already, right? In reality, a long-term relationship is a lot different than marriage. A relationship belongs to the two people involved. They are committed to each other, and might even have established already that they are in it for the long haul. But while the relationship might not change drastically, it does in fact change. When you get married, it’s not just the two individuals in the relationship anymore. A marriage belongs to everyone. Your family, the state, and your religious institution, if you so choose, are all a part of your union. That sounds like a lot of responsibility for someone who can barely wake up and dress herself most mornings(🙋).
Let me reiterate, I can barely take care of myself.
It takes a lot of effort to get out of bed before noon on most days. And when I do finally get out of bed, you better believe I’m in yoga pants and a sports bra all day. I let my plants die because I forget to water them (besides my Aloe Vera – those things are IMMORTAL) and I don’t know how to turn the subtitles off on my TV. I’m just not ready to be a grown-up yet, and marriage is a very grown-up responsibility. I need to learn to take care of myself before I can take care of another person.
I want to have a better marriage than Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries.
Great relationships are work. At 21, I have no clue what my priorities are going to be in 20 minutes, let alone five years. When I get married, I plan on making it last a lifetime, and having the time to work on it when things get rough is important. Being so young, it’s unrealistic to assume that I’ll be able to put the time and effort in if something goes wrong. Yes, marriage is happiness and sunshine and joy, but it’s also struggle and strife. It takes a lot of work to keep a marriage healthy and happy, and it isn’t fair to expect that from myself at this point in my life.
