If you've ever dawned a fresh contour or some semblance of boobs and walked into a hardware store, you have to outwardly accept a few things to be true. First, you are a lady so therefore you are power-tool-deficient. Second, straying outside of appliances, lawn furniture and paint means that you're lost. Third, there are at least 12 different reactions you can count on, every time.
1. The Slow Talk
"Excuse me, where are the *insert product here*?" "That's. In. Seas. On. Al."
2. The Double-Take
Yes, I have boobs and have walked through the automatic doors of Lowe's Home Improvement. Your forcefield has force-failed.
3. The "If I don't see you, I don't have to help you"
Close friends with The Slow Talk. According to this one, female is synonymous with kitchen appliance and stupidity.
4. The Pick-Up Artist
Sure, this one is incredibly helpful but he's too helpful. Every other sentence is a pick-up line because why else would a woman be looking at power tools? To find a husband, of course.
5. The Socially Aware
Opposite of The Pick-Up, this one assumes you're flying your rainbow flag off the back of your Subaru. Don't worry, he loves lesbians and watches all of their movies!
6. The Suspicious
If we're not here to shop for a husband, we're here to shoplift. This one can be found hovering behind you from aisle to aisle.
7. The One Who Doesn't Actually Work Here
Not to be confused with the overly helpful types, this one isn't employed here and is easily spotted by his eyes glued to anywhere but yours.
8. The "She Makes Us Look Bad"
She thinks you're just another girly-girl who doesn't know jigsaws from puzzles and sometimes uses teeny tiny words so our ditzy brains can keep up.
9. The Owl
Owls can turn their heads all the way around and this one can do the same, every time you walk by.
10. The "Paint's on Aisle 3, honey."
Yes, I have approximately 70 paint swatches floating around in my house but, by some fluke in the Space-Time Continuum, I am here for a new saber saw. Thanks.
11. The "This Isn't Lowe's Foods"
Oh, is it not? Gee, I'm surprised the lack of produce didn't tip me off.
12. The "Where's Your Husband?"
Well, honey, I don't have one. That's why I'm here of course.
