If I Didn't Have Anxiety

In a place far, far away, in a world where I didn't live with anxiety, I would be a new me. I am not ashamed of my disorder. In fact, I don't even refer to it as a disorder because it is simply what makes me me. However, I am well aware that my life would be completely different without this small bump-in-the-road. If it wasn't an obstacle in my life, this is how I would live accordingly.

I'd go to church regularly. I don't not go to church because I'm a heathen, I swear. It's just a little too much for me. The idea of sitting in a large group of people makes me unreasonably nervous. Even more so, I don't like the idea of being a "new comer". Please, no, don't introduce me. I appreciate it, but please don't welcome me. Oh, please, don't pass me the offering plate, because I'll have to pass it to someone, too. Someone I don't know. If I didn't have anxiety, I'd go to church as often as I could.

I'd have more friends. Talking to anyone I don't know very well doesn't come very naturally to me. I'm definitely not the kind of girl to ask the girl who complimented my nails at the drive-thru to have a sleepover with me (this is a reference to a video by @hiitaylorblake on Twitter). I want to be, though. If I gave myself the chance, I could have so many friends. If I didn't have anxiety, I'd be real life friends with the girls who comment on my Instagram.

I'd drink more coffee. Okay, this one sounds silly, but let me explain. Coffee is my favorite drink, ever. Unfortunately, though, coffee is known to enhance the symptoms of anxiety. Granted, I still drink it, though. The consequences aren't nearly as sweet as this mocha macchiato tastes. The excessive amounts of caffeine make me a lot more uneasy than I would normally be. This means no coffee before any kind of social affair, hard class, or important event. If I didn't have anxiety, I'd get a venti Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew everyday.

I wouldn't be me. Though I'd love to be able to do these things without being so scared, I wouldn't be who I am without my anxiety. I'm slowly but surely learning to overcome my fears, but I know it will always be there and that's okay. Without this disorder, I wouldn't love as hard as I do. For me, opening up to someone is a big deal. With that being said, I tend to love a lot more genuinely. Without it, I wouldn't be as kept to myself. Though, this can be a negative, I view it as a positive. I don't tell my secrets to just anyone or lay my trust in the hands of just anyone. I am selective and discerning and I like that about me.If I didn't have anxiety, I wouldn't be myself.