This article is vastly different then anything else I've ever written on here, but I figured I should stop writing bullshit articles and finally bring myself to write something that hits home. Hopefully, something that someone else can relate to, as well. I've never been one to speak about my feelings or my personal life, especially when it's being posted on a public website for the world to see. But here we go.
For those of you who know me, I lost my cousin (who was also my best friend) at eight years old. He was nine at the time. At the end of that same year, I lost my grandmother, the sweetest woman I've ever come across, to breast cancer. When I was sixteen, I lost my grandfather who was arguably one of my favorite people on the planet. Each and every one of these losses was one of the hardest things I had to go through, but I got through them. With the help of my family and friends, each day became a little more bearable. They made it a little bit more possible to get out of bed every day. They helped me cope and I am forever thankful for that.
A month ago, I turned 21. Even though I was surrounded by my family and friends, even though every where I looked I saw someone I loved, I couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Over the past few years, I got my license, I celebrated multiple birthdays, I graduated high school, I got accepted to college (the first in my family to do so), and soon, I'll be graduating from a university. At each and every one of these ceremonies, although I know they should be the happiest days of my life, I can't help but feel a little bit empty.
All of these people who affected my life so much didn't get to see me accomplish all of these obstacles. I didn't get to show them my first license, and I didn't get to show them my twenty-one year old license either. I didn't get to see them in the crowd at my high school graduation, they didn't get to celebrate my eighteenth birthday with me and they didn't get to wish me luck when I was sent off to college. Next year, they won't be able to celebrate my college graduation with me. They will miss my first job, my second job, and (possibly) my third. They will miss my wedding and the birth of all of my children.
The days that have passed were still special, and the ones to come will be special as well, but not a day passes that I don't wish that they could see me now. I don't know what happens to you when you die, but I really hope they get to watch over me. I hope that they are proud of me. I hope that they hear me when I speak about them, because then they know how much I miss them every single day. I hope that they know that I haven't "moved on," I never will, but I will live my life every day trying to make them proud.
I hope that my grandfather is cringing every time I say pasta instead of macaroni. I hope that my cousin is still laughing at my jokes, even when no one else does. I hope that my grandmother will have a nod of approval when I finally walk down the isle.
Even though I wish I could be spending birthdays, family reunions, Sunday dinners, weddings or even rainy days with them, I hope that they are proud of the person that I have become. I wish that they could see the person that they each had a hand in turning me into.
