I Wish I Was Prettier

All my life I struggled with my body image. I used to think that compared to everyone else around, I could not even compete. I never thought I was as pretty as the other girls. I used to fantasize about how my life would be different if I was "prettier." I would have more friends. More people would like me. I would be popular and so on. Then I started thinking of why I wasn't as pretty as all of the other girls around. The most obvious thing to me was my weight.

My weight is something I have struggled with all my life. I always wished I was thinner. The thinner I am the prettier I would be right? And maybe then I would actually fit in. No one is attracted to a 200+ pound girl.

For a while, I just said whatever but did not do anything to lose weight. Eventually, I figured out that the weight isn't just gonna roll off of me like butter off of a hot fresh biscuit.

Back then the gym was a foreign word to me. That just took too much time and effort. So I thought of ways to lose weight fast and cardio free. I could take weight loss pills. I could diet. I could use body wraps. I could use detox tea. But of course, all that took too long. I researched other ways to lose weight fast. Things I am not proud of such as starving myself or consuming very little calories a day. Or even better binge eating and then purging it all up....the best of both worlds huh?

Well, that worked for a while but eventually, I realized that I was hurting myself rather than helping myself. But "beauty is pain" and I can do this a littler longer can't I? Silly me, being thinner would not make me prettier any who. I would need contacts to have a pretty eye color. I would still have to get braces because of my messed up teeth. I would have to get some extensions because my hair isn't long enough. I would have to spend money on makeup to cover up the acne on my face. I would have to buy the best shoes and clothes. I would have to get my nails done and keep my hair up every day.

Might as well give up now. I do not have the time or money to be "pretty." No one will never notice or love me, right? I will be one of those 80 something years old grandmas living in the woods with 68 cats.

Then I got to thinking. Who said I wasn't pretty? Society? Ha well if I tried to fit all of society's expectations I would live a miserable life of hating myself and longing to belong.

I am beautiful.