Leaving my family for college was impossibly difficult, and being away from them for weeks at a time even more so. Being at school is great, but being away from the people I love is incredibly challenging, especially since I rely so heavily on them in many aspects of my life. Because of this, I could not wait to come home for the holidays and hang out with my family. However, when I arrived, things were not quite as I’d expected.

When you’re gone for several weeks, your family falls into different routines, ones that don’t include you. It can be hard to feel good when your family doesn’t seem to need you anymore, or when little things aren’t quite the way they used to be, such as when your sister has taken all of your bobby pins and made them her own.

I definitely had this experience when I got home for winter break. My family had developed new routines that I wasn’t in, and it made me feel like I wasn’t really a part of the family. Worse than that, they had done things without me. There were games I hadn’t played, meals they’d gotten used to that I have never had and inside jokes that I wasn’t a part of. Sure, I’ve got a lot of my own experiences, habits and jokes now, too, but I’ve always been afraid of missing things with my family, which makes it pretty hard to be away when I know with certainty that they’re doing fun things without me.

Fortunately, my family will always have a place for me, even if they don’t get to see me for a few weeks. Returning home felt in a lot of ways like, well, returning home. It was easy to slip back into the habits I had before leaving for school, and I shifted back into the version of myself that I am with my family, which is also the most natural version of myself.

Conversing with my family comes naturally, so it was easy to fall back into that, while taking over my place in the family took a little longer. After a couple of days, though, I was exactly where I belonged, and everything made sense. It was the greatest thing to finally feel like I fit in again. Unfortunately, as I had anticipated, this makes it much harder to face the fact that I have to leave again. I have to go back to school and the very different life that I have there.

I have to wonder if my family will feel weird with me leaving again, or if they’ll easily go back to the way it was when I was at school before. I know things will be fine; this is just something that all college students have to go through, but it still makes me nervous.

I know that everything will be fine, though, because I have an amazing family that does well with me around, but one that can also thrive when I’m not with them. I know that things won’t fall apart when I leave, but I also know that everyone will be happy to see me when I come back again. It will be weird for me to go back to a place with a nice, yet very different, support system, but it will also be nice to have the structure and freedom I need to grow.

Being home is safe and comfortable, and as much as I wish as I could stay forever, I have to go back to school if I’m going to grow up (and get an education, of course). In the end it’s alright. I know my family will be just as happy to see me when I get back, regardless of how their routines have changed.