As I wave goodbye to finals week, the first semester of my sophomore year of college is coming to a close and I will soon be on my way back to the far away land that is "home." While I'm obviously excited to have my break from what was most definitely a draining semester (but aren't they all?), I have not been home for longer than a two- or three-day period since I left for college three months after my high school graduation.
Over breaks my freshman year, I spent my time at school either working or simply living on my own, away from my parents and all the other reminders of life before college. Now, I don't have anything against my parents, nor do I have any grudges that I'm holding onto from my past; I have just changed so much and in so many ways.
In fact, I'm looking forward to spending an entire month with them, especially considering it's been so long since I've done just that. But I still can't shake the anxieties that seem to fill my chest when the thought of being home actually creeps into my mind.
I love my independence. I love being on my own and fending for myself, even if it's super hard sometimes. Being broke and stressed is hard, but the feelings I get when I pay for my own bills, rent, gas and all of the other fees that adults are cursed with to handle on their own is beyond rewarding. Living on your own definitely gives you multiple different perspectives on the world when you have to learn to decide and provide for yourself.
At 19, it's hard to consider yourself an adult, but it's also hard for those around you to consider you an adult. But after living on my own for nearly two years, that's exactly what I consider myself to be.
The thought of going home and having to adhere to a certain routine that I haven't experienced since high school is nerve-racking, to put it lightly. I haven't been surrounded by all of the places and people that I used to be around every day in years and because of that I find it difficult to comprehend stepping backwards in time into a part of my life that has been absent for a long while. It's all a very bittersweet feeling.
I think that after going through so many changes in such an arguably short time can make it hard to go back -- at least for me.
I look forward to seeing all of my friends, family, pets and anything or anyone else that I familiar to home. I look forward to reconnecting with all of those aspects of my past, but the lump in my throat is always there when I am anticipating actually going home. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but it can be hard to go back "home" when my heart tells me that home is where I've planted my new roots and grown.
Some of us simply age differently, and I, at least, feel no obligations that are set in stone for me to have to go home and play "high school" again -- that is not something I find appealing.
I've been told that I'm wrong for feeling this way, and some hurtful things have been said to me because of it, but I've learned to take that negativity and use it to grow into more of a headstrong and independent individual.
It's okay to want your own space.
It's okay to place your own feelings above those of others if it is what is going to make you the happiest and you do it for the right reasons.
It's okay to do your own thing.
Most importantly, it is okay to put yourself first, even if you make mistakes.
It's not uncommon to leave home behind and forge your own path, and no one has the right to tell you otherwise -- especially if it is what truly makes you happy.
To everyone else getting ready to leave their college haven and return home, especially to those with the same anxieties as me, I wish you luck. You can get through it -- and in all honesty, it probably won't be as bad as you think.
Enjoy your holidays and break!
