In life, there are so many things that we take for granted...Health, cars, clothing, jobs, children, the list goes on. Anxiety has consumed my life for seven years. Seven long and very difficult years, filled with doubt and uncertainty. When I was diagnosed, I didn't think much into it considering it was just "overthinking" to me, it could be controlled with breathing techniques, diet, exercise, medication, or any other simple change in life. Not a big deal. I was so wrong and I had no idea how serious it would grow to be.

Over the years, I have tried every technique in the book and nothing has been able to completely calm my anxiety and panic completely, it has helped for sure, but I can't seem to be "cured." As I have grown in life I have had two children, married and divorced and married again, lost friends, lost family, gained family, had my heart broken many times, multiple hardships and through all of this, my anxiety has stayed with me, unfortunately.

For me, anxiety is somewhat high functioning. Almost every day I am able to get up and go to work, talk to coworkers, laugh, and enjoy my day. Or so it seems on the outside. I have grown to learn to hide it with a mask, which for me is a smile. My therapist and I call it the "Robin Williams" style anxiety and depression.

There are days where I am OK almost the entire day, but when I get in the shower or lay in bed I have overwhelming emotions that come out of nowhere. I almost instantly get overwhelmed to the point I am in tears and I have no idea what could have triggered it other than the fact that I was not going at 100 speed and my brain had time to consume me. During these times, I get the worst anxiety because this is the time that my mind has created all kinds of horrible scenarios that are very unlikely to happen but in my mind, they are all very real and happening behind closed doors. Of course, I have explained my anxiety to several people, some understand, some don't. In the end, I hope that in writing this it helps someone else that may also have the same issues I have and help other people that cannot express their depression and anxiety as well as I can.

I have had a handful of episodes that have sent me into a dark part of my life and most of those times were trauma-related — however, a couple were just scenarios that my mind created to set me up for failure. My husband, who gets a lot of the venting and complaining handed to him on a silver platter, does not understand my anxiety. He doesn't understand why my brain thinks the way it does, or why I always feel insecure in our marriage, but neither do I. Past experiences can play a part in it, making me second guess myself and compare myself and my life to the past, which in the end winds up breaking me down into feeling like I am a burden to my husband. He says otherwise, and always offers to listen and help me, but what happens when I don't know how he can help me and I can't put into words what I need?

I have tried my best to find triggers, face them, overcome them, and move past them. So far, I have been unsuccessful with this method and I seem to have just become more impatient with anxiety. I WANT to be happy, I WANT to be joyful, I WANT to stop worrying about every little thing, I WANT to stop stressing over things I cannot control. I want to be better.

I feel like at times, I get in my head and it goes on for days, other times I feel like it lasts for minutes maybe an hour and I am back to the light. I have many people in my support group that have explained their anxiety as "crippling" and "invisible weight-bearing" to the point of inpatient care and suicidal thoughts. They cannot see ANY joy in this world because they have been completely consumed with it they cannot get out. That is the "drowning" part, where they know it is eating them alive and they FEEL like they can't get out. I'd like to think that in those people, I am able to help by listening, but I'm not sure it would. Others, like me, feel as if it comes and goes depending on what happens during the day. Good days and bad days. I want so badly to just live in the moment, enjoy the things surrounding me, not live life scared that I am not good enough or that I am a burden and I will never be loved.

In the aspect of being a mother, I live every day as if I am failing. Even on the "all green" days. When I pick up my kids from school I feel like all the other parents look at me as if they feel somewhat sorry for me. They all know me as "Kylee's mom" or "Heidi, Kate's mom" but very few know anything about me at all. They see me as the divorced woman that shares a very confusing 2, 2, 3 schedule with her ex-husband for 50/50 custody who still forgets to pay daycare on time and still slips up and picks her daughter up on her ex-husband's days.

A hot mess of a woman that is still struggling to get herself together.

The elementary school sees a mom that is always asking her child if she behaved because she struggles with behavior and obeying rules at school, literally more often than not, I get yellow and red notices in her folder. I feel like when I walk in the door for pick up, they are annoyed with me because even after their countless notes home, office referrals, parent-teacher meetings, and their requests for me to help correct behavior at home, she still has not changed her behavior at school. To be honest, I get an upset stomach when I sign that sheet and wait for her to come up the hallway because I don't want them to tell me she had another bad day because I am at my breaking point. I try to do the best I can in raising my girls, they are both complete opposites and have totally different lives and ways of me raising them. I struggle the most with my oldest and everyone knows it, but I am trying.

As far as being a "bonus mom," my job has never been more difficult. Do I parent them as if they are my own? Do I not say anything and let their dad just handle them and their lives completely? What happens if they are with me alone and need correction? What if they are with me alone and in an emergency, do I call my husband or 911 first? When do I call their mom? Or does my husband do that? I have the worst anxiety in this department. There are so many mixed emotions for this role I play. Yes, to me, it feels like I am playing a role. I am not their biological mother, I have no say in ANY fashion, shape, or form for anything in their lives. I feel stress from trying to be a friend, bonus mother, and teacher because I feel like I am overstepping or that I am out of my place. But isn't that part of my job? Discipline when needed, correct when needed, love just the same, parent the way I would my own, and be as flexible as possible with all four kids? My relationship with my stepchildren has caused me to pull away from them, and I feel so aggravated about it...from my marriage and my own children to my family and my husband's family. All because my anxiety tells me I am nothing to them other than a weekend baby sitter that just wants to be more but never will be. Again, it is in my head, not real life, it just feels this way.

My anxiety pressures me in my marriage the most often I feel. My husband and I are total opposites in many ways. He is more of a quiet person that doesn't express his feelings as if they are on his sleeve, where I am. I have completely lost my cool many times, because he is simply relaxing or watching a show and in my mind he is being quiet because he is upset with me or doesn't love me anymore. When I ask him, he tells me it's fine and nothing is wrong, but in my head he is lying and just wants to be left alone.

It's hard to communicate with someone that tells you there is nothing wrong all while fighting a battle in your own head of who's telling the truth and trying to convince yourself you are in the dark place again looking into things that aren't there.

Sometimes I feel as if he favors his kids over mine, and that mine aren't as special to him as his own, when in reality he sees my kids way more often than his kids so he is just soaking up the time he does have with his — nothing wrong with that. Most nights I just want to hug him and apologize for the way my mind works and that I will stop doing it, but the truth is that I can try to do my best but I am NOT in control of how my mind works. I ask for patience and understanding from him on a matter that I can't even understand myself. I ask him to love me through all of these things and see what else makes me who I am and not focus entirely on how I question every single thing and obsess over insecurities that he does not "get."

I ask him to remind me more often of how much he loves me and how much I mean to him, whether it be a post on social media, a card, or just a piece of paper he ripped out of the notebook and left on the counter for me to wake up to. All of these things are reminders that even if I wake up in the morning feeling as if he is on the verge of leaving, it is JUST my anxiety and it is temporary feelings of uncertainty. He DOES love me, and I DO matter to him regardless of how my mind is trying to change that way of thinking. My husband is great about going places he isn't particularly fond of, watching movies he isn't really into, and getting me things that make me happy. I just wish he knew how much words of affirmation meant to someone suffering from anxiety. The reassurance just from hearing that you are loved, you are important to them, you have support, you have a team behind you, and you have people here that will help the best they can.

My hopes in writing this is that this article shines a small and dim light on how people from anxiety may think.

I feel like we struggle to explain it sometimes and the clarification of how we feel is mistaken for other feelings or emotions. If you or someone you know is struggling, maybe to express their situation or understanding someone else, pass this article along maybe it can help them.